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November 28 Letting goBeen engrossed with Mitch's books these few weeks....
'Tuesdays with Morrie' is like a short story from God....or rather God spoke to me through this book.
Had a good time finishing this book at my favourite reading spot at the airport earlier after meeting weilin.
Dislike going home early nowadays....
Still trapped in the struggles of forgiving and loving Dad....
But like what Morrie(God) said, to forgive self and others will make death so much easier....i actually gained strength to forgive Dad slowly day by day and just accept him for who he is, what he had done to mom and indirectly hurt us.
Chose 'Letting go' because it is one of those nights which i feel down about some things in life. Yet again, as I reflected on my blessings, I can't help but give thanks and be contented with what I have at this moment.
Am still trying to get over the fact about failures and disappointments......always ended up disappointed in one particular area in life, but life moves on, and i have to live on bravely and happily because these will come to an end, and what most matters if my love/concern for others have made a difference in their lives...
even Morrie (God) said about investing in human relationships instead of material things.....
Chose 'Letting go" because it is not easy to do so esp when it has happened again and again and again.....why me? why is it always me?
But life is still beautiful and there are other things to look forward to and I have since learnt (from MSF incident) that God always has better plans for me if he decides not to give me something I desire at this point in time....
So, I have to let go of the disappointments today and wake up tomorrow new and fresh and happy!
Oh God, I just wish for every1 to be happy and able to see thru things in life with a wider perspective and heart today.....
I am just so glad that I've understood the meaning of life so deeply that I can't wait to share with others how to also gain the same peace and joy about life....
yes, even if you're sick, you're single and alone (but need not be lonely), little $ in bank account
I will slowly let go bit by bit daily....
meanwhile, i have to mend the broken heart deep inside me...bro & joanne, pa & ma,family & me, church & me.....and the lost opportunities at MSF etc
November 14 1st day at 3dsense-P1I reached work almost 40mins earlier!!!
can't believe it....i used to struggle to be early (even though trevor said i can be late since i had to travel from punggol to clementi, i sometimes do take a cab knowing i'm gonna be late....those $20+ cab fares spent just for integrity's sake, & extra hours pump in on days i go in at 930plus....) to SAC....well, still wanna say No regrets after so much effort/heart put in. I've gained so much more in return:)
Today is my 1st day at my new job at a media school at Dhoby Ghaut, Paradiz centre. Took me only about 30min in total by MRT....and i had time to sit at Rendezvous hotel to have a short prayer cum breakfast with God. Felt really good to begin a new job, a new day telling God how grateful i am and remembering to pray for my family too.
God has really blessed me with this job. When I was hesitating where to move to after deciding to close my chapter at SAC, this opportunity just dropped from heaven. Really, trust me that it is really from God because I did not even know the existence of this school before and I used to have not-so-good mindset about the com graphics, animation sector.....simply becos at SAC, there were many parents who called our Helpline to complain about the lack of control of their teenage kids in using the computer for games etc.
God always plan my path differently from what I planned and hope to get. This time round, when I just surrendered to God, he gave me something so unexpected yet so pleasant.....just like how I would never imagine myself being involved in endurance sports like Triathlon, God threw me the opportunity to coordinate 2 charityswims, liaising with so many triathletes and now, I can proudly say I respect these sportsmen for their perseverence and spirit, which in turn led me to have a total different opinion of endurance sports now; i wish at heart that i could complete a biathlon one day myself.....hmm, i know i can run, can swim but am having this painful kneejoint problem for a few mths liao since my last squash game with yongquan....
Talking abt yongquan, he's another volunteer friend whom i made at SAC and wow, i sure like him very much too!!!....well it seems i like everyone, guy or gal easily...not sure if people feel vice versa, but to me, motto is always to be nice to everyone sincerely..... Can't forget the times we sold slippers for that fund raising project, him driving lorry with me being the helper going from schools to companies to deliver slippers.....
So point is, I am sure a few months later, I would feel something different towards the animation and CG industry....in fact, my perception has already started to change since my few exchanges with my new bosses.....their passion for what they do really struck me
Hence, God always knows what is best for me. He knows I need to have a change of mindset in many things as I can be a stubborn person in sticking to my values and principles. And I'm really beginning to see again how true the bible is, with God steering many things in my life.
oops. diverted so much.
Back to my 1st day, something unsual did happen on my way to work on the train, a guy suddenly had an epileptic attack and I, having worked at the epilepsy care group before, was like an expert telling others not to go near him, even saying out loud to that frantic man next to me that 'he'll be ok after a while'. The norm is people always think we need to insert something to prevent the epileptic person from biting his tongue, but it's a myth. All we need to do is to let him finish his fit attack, then he'll recover on his own. Sure enough, that man stood up about 60 seconds. All I did was picked up his dropped HP and passed it to him....i wished i had the courage (and time...was at my stop already) to talk to him more and pass him ECG's tel so that he can find out the services ECG offers to epileptic people....
I really felt like a heroine today, doing what was needed. I remembered shouting to a man who is holding on to his seat to give up to that epileptic guy, and worst thing is he didn't give up his seat immediately....i should have be more firm and advocated for that epiletic guy as I felt he really needed a seat to rest after his attack... Being young, that epiletic guy refused to sit down. I REALLY can empathise with him because it never feels good to have a medical condition or handicap of some form.... But he really looked pale....i recalled also praying for him before work starts.....
Thus, this episode taught me that my work and experiences at the epilepsy care group was not in vain!!! I felt good to be able to put what i learnt to use today....i remembered doing various projects to promote awareness of epilepsy and at times it was tiring, yet now, i find it all worthwhile and that it was actually meaningful work!
Suddenly also wanna go back volunteer at ECG.....
November 12 Goodbye SACOn a typcial sunday after church why would I be in clementi Blk 365?
I miss my hectic work days at SAC. Miss my seat, the telephone (reception line), tallying charityswim proceeds that always never balance, even the cockroaches i think....(haha, para was very afraid of them and I always get to act Heroine to kill them whenever we spot one....)
Even though I am no longer a staff here, I could feel my breath here and every object, the phone, the PC seems to have my touch....
Well,truly so because I remembered fumbily along the way to set up the wireless system, connecting all the PCs to the sole printer we all share....
Well, in a way, it is better that I still continue to build my memories with SAC as a volunteer while starting a new job.
Talking about him, Trevor Xie has been one of the most important men in my life......
He is the first guy I ever shouted at besides my father. There were really moments when I felt like a fool still continuing to work for him, yet I know I wasn't really working for him; was more of for God and for the clients of SAC, the cause, the mission.
I know I was too harsh on him as well, always pressurising him to set a clearer mission statement and to not always think of $ in everything we do, afterall we're charity. Yet I know he has his reasons for always focusing on keeping the organisation surviving with enough cash in bank....
and this experience really gave me a beautiful yet nerve-wrecking relationship I had with someone whom I thought made it to my 'Best friends' list in a few months' time.....
The way he at times care for his friends around him make u feel like he's such a hero, some superman guy...but the way he works and sees certain things sometimes can make u vomit blood for many days.....
Anyhow, I'm very very grateful to know Trevor as a colleague and friend. There were a few times we really 'fought' and were angry with each other and didn't talk but somehow, we always manage to move on and encourage one another, thank one another....
Similar to ECG, there were many time of 2-men show, just me and Trevor alone in office (when counselor isn't recruited yet). In truth, we really gone through many things at work, solving problems, helping people.
So, did I ever like Trevor....hmm, 2 people always working in same office, and also with my character of 'being nice to everyone' as a motto, it isn;t that hard to fall in love in such scenarios.... Truth is I really only treat him as a good platonic friend who understands me(to a certain extent becos there were time he didn't), and someone who is always willing to listen.....
and besides, it helps that he is married (so from the beginning, we all know being best friends is all we can be), and also, though I agree to help him out with accounts, there are still certain styles and character of him I find it hard to agree with...
well even if he's single, it is impossible to fall in love with him.....like him, yes, I do....but not in that way....
Yet I figured out from this experience that best friends don't just say the good things....indeed I consider him a good friend because I said things to help him change to be better and vice versa (yah, he also hit on some of my character flaws tactlessly many times....)
Whatever it is, I am most grateful for this wonderful friendship built up:)
I will never forget the special encouragement he gave me at charityswim 2005. Knowing I worked until 3am the night before the event, he gave me a special encouragement thanking me in front of all the guests, swimmers and reporters at the end of the swim! And I received a special Charityswim 05 teddy bear from Cyril, SAC's chairman....
I was super encouraged and my heart melted (as always, my heart melts easily....though I act cool most of the time....). To me, I was only doing what was expected- to make sure the event go well, no casualties, all swimmers swim safely, event raised money we target. Simple.
But Trevor felt I did so much extra......
Maybe I did...but it was all because I want to do it, and for God.
Not many would understand my relationship with God except perhaps shirleen and Philipa.....
Am trying to close my chapter at SAC because my new job starts tomorrow!!!!!! (am quite excited yet filled with a bit of anxiousness cos everything is so new in the new job i've taken on...)
Well, I can spend another page writing how i got the job at 3dsense.......
I can spend another 2 hours detailing my journey at SAC but i gotta go.....finished burning the 10 concert VCDs for NUS High school le....
but i volunteer and wanna do it willingly la.....despite the travelling journey home later.
SAC is a place where my potentials are brought out and a place where many beautiful and even sweet memories were created. Yah, along the way, work gets tough when u feel lost with few clients, little impact to be seen (yet u know the kids and parents are being helped be it a short counseling session or a phonecall advice I helped gave...). But also, there are fun things such as doing charityswim, interacting with handsome dudes and cute guys, be them volunteers or swimmers......and not forgetting the PT/temp staff like Lydia, Zhangyang who came in just for a while yet with each, there are memories to be cherished....esp the Pulau Ubin camp recee (the camp that never happen:(, the mahjong session at trevor's house after that (I was really very down that period becos' it was when Bro officially separated with Joanne and we all had to move out....)
And not forgetting my friendships with batman and robin that is Zul (whom I like him a lot also...in a pure platonic way...he's really an awesome guy, passionate for teaching sports, just like my new bosses...same league, passionate guys) and Eugene. Then there's Lynette, even Jasmine.
And lastly Joanne Yau....a great gal, someone who is really like a big sister and someone who has a great heart.
I will miss everything at SAC........
But again, I can still come back to volunteer.....in fact need to cos' it is a promise I've given Trevor.
And now, I look forward to build new memories at my new company......
Compiled memories of ECG, FSCMy Chapter with SAC is coming to an end, yet also starting a new one.....
God is never wrong, his plans for my job are really beyond my control and comprehension many times. The fav verse in Proverbs 19:21 truly depicts my feelings at this moment: 'Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails'.
I remembered quitting the relaxing job planning events for club members at Aranda Country Club (which was like 15min bus ride from home, and chose to travel to SAC that takes me a energy draining almost 3hours to and fro from home to work daily....) Anyone in the normal frame of mind wouldn't have done what I did. And as ever passionate (like the Eagles song, 'Love will keep us alive', I thought in my heart that Passion should keep me alive, even though the starting pay at SAC is lower than that at Aranda and my transport cost will rise tremendously, changing 2 buses plus MRT to get to work daily....)
This describes and sums up my character I guess; always believing in the impossible in man's eyes and seeking to do what I feel God feels is worth; Passion driven, focused on my dreams and Driven to make them come true, even if it means sacrifices in some ways.
Yah, 4years of working life (not counting the 1st year of job hop, search and temp assignments being a freshie), I am still poor financially except accumulation of CPF. Yet, I believe that the experiences along the way have transformed my life, and those of others I met ....
At AMK FSC, it was plain 'before & afterschool care' work, wasn't what I expected, to develop youths but rather was stuck in a StudentCare centre for 6 months doing nothing but scream at kids to bathe, eat, do homework, but of course the fun part included playing 'Catching' with the kids, bringing them out to excursions....
Was unsure how I can be a social worker then so took on this opening hastily and thought it might lead me to my dream of 'counseling' youths.
Well, there were occasions where I had to 'counsel', teach and scold the kids (they really are kids, P1 to P6).
Was nothing compared to my peers out there clinching deals or balancing figures yet, yet the experience was a sweet and useful one.
I loved Bentley, the naughty boy from a single parent family. Loved him because he was really the most michevious, creating noise and trouble EVERY single day at the centre. Had to spend a lot of energy punishing him yet my heart just went out to him. I was thinking of even being a volunteer teacher to him if his mom needed an extra hands (well, i'm always dreaming of doing many things that I think might make a difference...). His 'Thank you', 'Auntie Hwee Keng' always melt my heart....I dreamt about bumping into him one day, and truly, I met him on the NE line a few months ago. Of course he couldn't remember me but it's ok, I'm just very very happy to see him well, with his mom, Maureen (strangely i only read his casefile once and remembered everything about him, how his dad died of cancer, his mon worked as a financial agent....)
Moving on to Epilepsy Care Group (ECG), it was another chapter of 'dreams chasing'......wow, I thought, I can finally make real difference by planning activities, support groups for epileptic people. It was at ECG that I truly found out where my strengths lie-in coordinating projects, putting people and resources together. I did many many many things and learnt many x 10 things there.
Special gratitude to my boss Keng Hwee.....this small guy who appears to be hard/stern on the outside actually possess a very soft heart for people.
I'll never forget the work memories (whole lot of good ones and not-so-good ones too) we shared...yah, it was another 2-men show kind of setting where most of the time, the office had just 2 of us.....
Like those 'period dramas' where there is always this 'shi-shu'(brother of the head Shifu), I regard Keng Hwee as this Shishu. He imparted many skills to me which I am still able to apply now.
His last words to me was that he felt grateful that I was around to do many things, to help and also to act as a 'middle-man' between him and the epileptic members of whom some had misunderstandings with him. To him, I was like a 'Bridge', enabling smooth communication and preventing arguments....
Well, it is just part of me to wanna see peace and harmony in everyplace I am at...home or work.....and I know deep at heart that God was the one who sustained me to persevere on in this small charity which doesn't really have much prospects...(which is also why in my 1 year there, 4 guys have come and gone.....)
Certainly it would be self deceiving if I say I left on a nice note....it wasn't that pleasant....I had some unresolved attitudes towards Keng Hwee but a few months later I did manage to resolve with him.....
I also bumped into him a few weeks ago at Cityhall.....he looked the same, with his specs, neat long sleeved short, nicely pressed. And we had a nice short talk....I guess that we both left feeling happy for each other that we're happy and safe still.....
Other short work stints included a more social worker/case manager scope at Swami Home. Yah, I recalled hand delivering my resume to this home which I used to visit the elderly as a NTU WSC member at SEMBAWANG! What a ulu place truly. But my stubborn nature tells me to go give a try since I wanted always to do hands-on direct social work that helps people with a direct impact.
Of course, it didn't turn out well as there were some management issues when I went in (and it was all hidden when I went for interview). Suddenly I was left with no supervisors/mentors and I know nothing about the work process! Slowly I tried to pick up on my own, reading, surfing the internet.
But the job scope at Swami Home really changed my outlook of many things in society. I see REAL social problems. As a case manager, we get to be 'care takers' of sick/single elderly staying in the nearby neighbourhood. My area of undertaking was Yishun, Ang Mo Kio, Sembawang. We had to travel frequently to conduct home visits to these elderly, talked to their families and see what help they need. Swami Home is just like the old folks home my mom works as a cook. They have all kinds of services from daycare for dementia elderly, home-help, home-care, home-medical *where the swami nurse would bring his medical kits to attend to the sick elderly in their homes!
I decided to move on because I realise I was in the wrong job scope all the time....there was nothing i could value add to the work and matters made worse when i had no mentors and everyone in the department seems to want to quit....
In sum, I am glad to say there is little regrets about choosing a different path to take upon graduation 5 years ago.....yah, i do admit there are lots of hiccups and perhaps bad decisions made at different points in time, but truly, I believe each experience exists to teach me something. Realistically, my resume didn't look very substantial or 'nice' as I didn't seem to stay in a job for more than 2 years so far. But really, I decided that life is more than just doing something to show others, it should be more of for something you find worth fighting for and knowing how your skills can make a difference.
My conscience is clear that in whatever job I was in, I always gave my heart 100% or even more (at the FSC, I made sure I write encouraging notes to the kids after I scolded them, at ECG, for every phonecall made to members, I gave my heart to persuade them to attend the support activities we plan to help them....)
Thus, they say it is easy to get burnt out in this industry...which is quite true.....
I won't kid myself again to say I haven't suffered from burnt out. At ECG, I had no colleague to even talk to except my boss, who belongs to the 'older' school and there's always the boundaries of Boss and staff.....
But well, I've learnt to be even more independent after these experiences.....and little did I know these would carry me through in SAC....
And proud to say, no matter how short I stay at a place/job, I always leave with at least 1 good friend whom I still keep in touch until now.
Janice being one very special friend from Aranda...thanks a lot!
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