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December 31 Angels to thank in 2006ANGELS, have you seen them, yet?
The bible did mention about angels, or are angels made up by mere mortals who are aiming for immortality?
Yes, I truly believe in Angels, because I have met and been touched by many in 2006.
Today is the last day of 2006.....am counting my blessings and reflecting 06 alone at Coffee Bean somewhere opposite SMU. Found that it is a rare branch of cafe that is deserted and has unlimited internet access.....
Saw many couples and groups walking by.....rushing to Esplanade and Marina Bay for the countdown party later I guess.....
Well, I'll be going to church's party cum service at 8pm later.....
2006 for me is summarised in : getting hurt, disappointed, disillusioned, great joys and re-finding passion in life.
1) Getting hurt and disappointed because of Bro and Joanne, of parents' heartache (that i can't do anything to help cure), of the lost dream job at MSF HK, of the ezcema battles occasionally (but really, getting used to it by now), of heart affairs, of friendships drift.
But amidst these, Angels like Kathy, Carol, Anna, Melanie, Patsy, Joanne, Parames, Pei Pei and of course Trevor were in my life to keep it going and fighting....
Thanks gals and guy!
2) Great joys because of trip to Hong Kong Disneyland with my best fren, Pei (and not forgetting the memorable shouts for the front audience to sit down becos' these chinese tourists were selfishly blocking everyone's view from the fireworks....)
Thanks Pei, I love u a lot, thanks for loving me and accepting me as a friend unconditionally!
Great joy because of a changing and improved relationship with Sian, Pa and Ma. Ma I'll love her always, but Pa, is a daily thing to forgive and love him (u may recall there is a blog on him previously.....the hurtful things he has done)
Great joys because of an unexpected job opportunity at MSF Hong Kong! www.msf.org.hk
(very thankful of Trevor, Joanne and of course Zhangyang for being my greatest support in this job interview journey- THANKS so much to the gang at SAC)
Great joy because through the above challenging disappointments in work especially, there were
James Lim, Yongquan, Jasmine, Prof Tan, Simin, Joanne Yau, Parames
So glad to know u all better through all these difficult times and where decisions were hard and u had to hear many of my endless grumbles on 'dead, no passion, angry, upset...etc'
Great joy because of renewed and new friendships!
Shirleen- the most important woman in my life besides my family and Pei.
Without u dear friend, u know I would be probably 'dead' (alive but no soul)
Your endless patience just hearing me grumble, seeking u advice on HR, job matters really encouraged my heart a lot!
Great joy because of new friends like
Jonathan- Arts Cafe Boss; small man, yet filled of passion for his work, full of courage and committment to make things happen since he chosen the tough path to run a cafe and spread music and arts thru the cafe.
Jonathan, thanks a lot, for being in my life, teaching me so much though we've met not long.
The 3 Wise-men at 3dsense Media School (www.3dsense.net)
Sen, thank you for inviting me for the interview, and giving me the chance to work with the school. Said many 'thank you's. ...but still not enough....u'll never understand how much it means to me when u gave me the offer. It was like God sending one of his angels to give me a pat on my shoulder to move on, and that passion can be rekindled.
Thank you.
Justin, thank you for being such a patient and sharing and caring and funloving sup, mentor, friend even.
Your PASSION injected me a new sense of hope in re-building passion within me to do the things I used to love....
Look forward to many more days of PASSION< FOCUS<DRIVEN with u and the rest
Damien, thank you for being such an encouraging and kind shifu. Like I said before, will miss the days working with u (even though we've started working together only 1.5 months ago...). And your wisdom (besides looking the most 'wise'), really amazes me at times....well, not only I have the blur look loh...haha
Really hope u can find that correct air-pump that can pump in life and energy in your soul so that u can join us again....really look forward:)
And not forgetting all my wonderful new colleagues at 3dsense Media School (another advert: www.3dsense.net)
Windsaurus, Eddy, Chiuchiu, Iladaddy, Shunjie 2.0
and also reina, an angel at work....to always give me 1st hand answers whenever I needed advice on admin stuff....
Great joy simply because of all the 'not-so-good' things that happened in 2006, and that how God helped me see overcome each and look ahead with a renewed mindset and spirit. Truth is; I would not have wanted a different experience even if life is to re-track/live again for these 12 months.
I enjoyed every tear (too much in 06) shed, every heartache, every disappointment, because it is through these that life is meaningful and that I can discover life to the fullest.
Great joy because of these individuals who were all Angels in each's special way to me:
-Ivy Tan, ever unconditional love
-Siew Khim: I know 06 has been a very tough year for u, but thanks for always being my top volunteer when i needed volunteers for SAC events, and for being more open as a friend, that i can have the chance to love u in return.
I love u as much as i love my sis (in 06, i only treat U and my sis for movies....and always enjoyable to watch with u 2)
-Yongquan: Yes!!! I still remember the thrilling days we had delivering slippers around to all the JCs from east to north etc....and i didn't forget the sweet/or sweat moments playing squash at NUS, and taking a ride in your motorbike!!! Wish we can do it again.
You're such a special friend, always never around to meet up, but somehow our friendship survives....
really a testament of how doing community projects can outcome in not only charity but friendships....
Look forward to the day u become a qualified Architect (rem, my school to be built in somewhere out there needs your design:)
Not forgetting Angels that appeared briefly yet left an impact:
1) Clare from Ho-Sum, Hong Kong. Yes, was rash of me to fly over to tell u I hope to work for the cause of Ho-Sum, but really, no regrets and in fact very glad to have known u and continue building a friendship. I hope to come over volunteer when my new job gets more settled in late 07....wait for me!!!
2) Beatrice from Medecins Sans Frontieres Hong Kong (another advert:KINDLY donate to MSF on my upcoming birthday in Feb 07: www.msf.org.hk
Thank you Beatrice, for giving me the opportunity to meet up with you all- a long dream fulfilled....I've brought away the biggest disappointment with me after the interview but also the most beautiful memory....to know that MSF is helping thousands around the world and that I still have a lot to learn in terms of knowledge before I should apply for a humanitarian job....
AM IN FACT THINKING I SHOULD REAPPLY THE MASTERS IN SOCIAL WORK IN UNI OF HULL (since they offered me this sep which am unable to go...)
Many other Angels like Martin (who never fails to send me touching smses randomly even though we hardly catch up now since NTU....), and Stefanus (who never fails to buy me a gift whenever he visits a disneyland, blessed guy who has visited Paris Disneyland!!!)
And faithful friends like HONGHUI, PHILIPA, EVONNE (SPECIAL category) who are always around, though we're not very involved in each other's lives now....
and others like Celine, Yvette (your fruits are the most tasty fruits I've eaten in 06!), Tianfang, April
And many others who have simply crossed my path and left a mark, faint or embedded in my 06 chapter....
Thank you all, thank you so so much...
and most importantly, thank you HIM who has given me the life to be here writing this today
Hope, Faith and Love, These 3 remains, but the greatest is LOVE (1 Cor 13:13b)
2007 is a new year to have hope, faith and love...and to act upon my renewed dreams and resolutions: (one is to stop using disposable cups and plates, not to take-away but use tupperware!!!)
Remember to keep me accountable on the disposable cups, plates, utensils....
December 27 Quiet time at the airport....('Escape')The 2nd day of 'school break'.....
Had a crazy day at Tampines Ikea with Sian yesterday. We ate hotdogs standing, laughed at how short we are when we saw the frightening heights of the warehouse corner where certain furnitures are under 'Rack' and carry department.
Because there is so much to buy and limited budget (plus a paycheck not in), the conservative me decided to not buy anything first but Sian and I ticked many items in the Ikea notepad, and I told Sian we will be going there on friday again.
Always loved going anywhere with Sian, though she is really nerve-wrecking and always making my heart boil. Many times when you asked her to choose something, she would not give an answer. There were times I just blew my top on her in public. Most memorable is in our Hong Kong trip last year when I simply 'abandoned' her at the North Point MTR station I think, and went off to another train compartment, not bothering if she followed me. True enough, I lost her....
Thank God for handphones which helped us reconnect to each other....my heart almost cried when I thought I really lost her. 'Mom would scream at me!', I thought.....but also, I cannot imagine losing Sian....she is so dear to me (i wonder if she knows....)
Supposed to go down SAC today but a small episode resulted in me going down to find Dr Ratnam instead...(yah, a visit to him always cost some hundreds....)
Eczema, skin- my old time ailment....well, it does gets me down on certain days, and really can tear my spirit apart, but slowly, as I go through more episodes, God taught me how to cope with it better.
The ever imaginative me even try to imagine what if I develp the same illness as Aya (in 1 litre of tears) and become a handicapped? But again, I was thinking if really I become very ill, then perhaps the world has time and heart to slow down to spare me some minutes to share my heart and desire of wanting a peaceful day in this chaotic world....it is often in times of trial that great men rise up....
Hahaha, me dreaming of becoming 'Batman' saving the world again.....
After Dr Ratnam, I took 36 from PS and travel down to airport and had a late lunch of 'Red Bean bun and Polar sugar roll without sugar'-my fav!!!
Began reading Pei's 'The Little Prince'....a bit philosophical and filled with bombastic words and descriptions....
Always enjoyed my times at the airport, it is in fact the only place besides church (in fact church is so much noisier) that gives me the kind of peace and tranquility I desparately need.
I dislike staying at home since we moved back to Bedok. Dad would play his oldies non-stop and Sian would compete the noise level with her 'Jay Chou'....and like a wanderer, I find myself struggling to find a personal space at home.
Back to Ikea talk with Sian, she was in awe of the furnishing of the compact home setting and asked me when we could have such nicely decorated house. I told her soon....
But really, I have no idea when I will have my own house. And I am not even sure if I want to have my own house. I have never wanted to be tied down to house loans and renovation loans and every other kind of loans....
I want freedom to pursue my dreams. And at the back of my heart, it sank because I know this is again a lonely path I must take. Along the way there would probably be 'The Lion', 'Tin Man' or even 'Scarecrow', however, the road to 'somewhere over the rainbow' is not an easy and comfortable one.
Continuing my quiet time at T1, viewing gallery, I found a most isolated corner and began listening to my MP3 player (with a ready to say die ear-phone).
Saw a little indian boy came by with his parents and played around me. Then he saw some stone pebbles on the ground and began to pick them up and threw them back into the flower pot nearest to him.
I thought, 'what a beautiful act'! (well, it is just me to always try to find meaning in every other incident around me). It reminds me of how heartless we have become when we grow up to be 'grown-ups'. I am sure none of us would have done what this little boy did.
I felt it was beautiful because I can see the pure-heartedness in him, in this simple act. He knew the stone pebbles belonged to the flower pot and he simply wanted to make things right, nice and beautiful again by throwing them back into the pot.
You must be thinking I am out of my mind and thought too much....
But really, such acts really warmed hearts and especially tired hearts like mine. Am grateful that God is answering my prayers to signal/direct me to these acts that warm my heart and help me live on with more strength....
Thank you, boy.
Thought about many many dreams I wanna fulfill in that corner at the viewing gallery. One of which I wrote down is to start a fund to sponsor HIV kids in 3rd world to have a chance to play at 'The Happiest Place on earth'-Disneyland.
And also, was suddenly heartened at the fact that I have the best job in the world now- a place where people appreciate my work and where I can contribute and where I know my desires to do community work would be supported.
Ha, 1 year later I would take 'sabbatical' leave of 2 to 3 months to work in short-stint projects in Kenya?
Well, am now trying to believe that I have found The desired work place to work at for the rest of my life....well, can consider....but again, my heart is still left in Hong Kong's MSF....
Not truly something I am crazy about (how much do i know about animation and 3D? 1%?), but somehow I just like going to work everyday now....
But certainly something I am inspired to believe in by the people there, esp that Passion (Shine), the Focus one (Midday Moon) and the Driven (Gem) one (and it breaks down into the 3 of the founders' personalities....)
Thank God for the resting day.....
Continuing my dreams now.....plan to type my proposal to set up the fund tomorrow.
Jia you ba.
I want to live on....(1 liter of tears)One liter of tears
is the title of a Japanese drama that chronicles the struggles of 15-year-old student Aya Ikeuchi after she is diagnosed with spinocerebellar degeneration, a disease that causes one's spinal cord and cerebellum (the part of the brain responsible for balance and movement) to deteriorate until one cannot walk, speak or write.
Only watched 2 episodes and already crying in my heart (and with real tears as well). Am grateful that such a drama came into my path now, when my heart is cold and lost.
With a history of eczema, more often than not, my face would be itchy esp on rainy nights and there is little I can do. Facing my own eczema is just so similar to Aya's struggles in accepting the change in her lifestyle due to her illness. Mine is of course nothing compared to her, and she really inspires me to live on bravely and with joy daily.
It hasn't been easy for me to come to the stage where I am now in life today. Not able to be here without HIM.
Yes HIM, almighty God. Father he is, prince of peace, wonderful counselor, Savior of all mankind, and simply a friend who never fails to encourage me when I feel hopeless.
And I hope people who do not know HIM yet may one day come to realise HIS presence and strength. (It is not hard to actually figure out that people who have God in their lives always live so much more stronger in adversities, and this has nothing to do with superstition or religious etc). It is simply an outflow of gratitude and true appreciation and understanding of life's meaning that enabled those of us who claimed to be Christians to be able to live joyfully even with bad things in our lives.
And most importantly, God is NOT a genie and HE never promises a life free from worries, even as we believe in HIM.
It is not even about pyschological change when I accepted Christ. It was simply about being able to forgive and love and love life and people genuninely that makes me able to feel true happiness regardless of which situation I am in (as I am taught the basics of life- that we need to love ourselves , to receive and give love)
The true meaning of life is actually to love and be loved!!! Sounds so 'girly' and mushy, but in truth it is what life is about. Come on, even the world's richest man, and Bill gates has Melinda to share his story and life with and no matter how wealthy one is, he needs a soul mate.
And this soul mate is actually God......
Of course I'll be lying if I said I have never
- feel jealous of friends who are healthy and have clear complexion (which needs little care unlike mine that needs expensive skincare and treatment from the dermatologist)
-jealous of others who have what I don't have....(beauty, wealth, health, partner, family joy)
But again, I've learnt to try to be contented in whatever situation I am in, be it in poverty or in richness...quoting St Paul in book of Philippians.
Just wanna thank Aya for leaving behind her diary so as to inspire me and so many others who have read her book and watched the drama " One liter of tears".
Suddenly I wanna do a fund raising event for the caretakers/givers of patients like Aya or other patients with incurable illness. Often than not, these caregivers are left out, burnt out and misunderstood when they become too tired to continue to take care of their dependents.
I hate to walk away after a show just like this and not doing anything.
I will, and must do something to spread the determination of Aya.
Life is difficult, life is upsetting, and certainly love can be painful, but I realised that to love another is really to see the face of God- that is to do things that give joy to those whom you love rather than focus on the outcome of the love given.
Thus, after grasping this, it isn't that hard for me to buy a flower for Reina for her last day (though in humanistic terms, we won't be colleagues and there is no need for me to please her etc....well, we all take love too conditional....
So which is why I try to practise unconditional love as much as I can...though many times, I failed.
But bought gifts for people just to make them happy....and I really love giving christmas presents away, esp to my 3 handsome bosses, because I am grateful to each of them in special ways.
True love expects no reciprocation and is the highest form of love....which is God's divine love for us, that he sent Jesus, his beloved one son to die for our sins, so that we can live and be reconciled to God one day.
I'm not being preachy here, but am trying to get over some disappointments in terms of personal relationships (aka topic of love).
Hope that my sis-in-law (or rather ex sis-in-law) can get over this pain and live on bravely.....
But again, it is and will be my prayer for him and her to reconcile one day.....because I love fairy tale endings and I hate to see seperation (who likes?).
Meanwhile, I am prepared to cry my lungs out when I watch the final episode of this drama.
I can't agree less: Being alive is a lovely and wonderful thing- Aya Ikeuchi (who died at 25)......
December 23 ChoicesPeople like to say life is without much choice......
Today ended with a short stay at MOS, Clarke Quay with my 3dsense colleagues. My shifu, Damien specially invited us to have a hangout farewell at MOS.....
Talking about Damien, he is one of the most humble guy I've met in recent years. Somehow, I just hope he can come back to 3dsense to work after his 'break'.....He kept saying he is not the best person for the job and I can feel a tinge of sadness in him when he said so. Just find him so humble to always take the back seat and allow his friends to be the ones who shine....
But I really hope he reads this: that actually I believe strongly that given some change in mindset and attitude, he can be even better than his peers at work. Even Stephen from SES mentioned his name (he was saying that CGO's work team can't do without Damien) during our meeting at Goldbell yesterday.
So for Damien, it is a matter of choosing to change his attitude and mindset.
Continuing my MOS story. We were there only for a while and then left (before 12am) because Jie and Chiu have lessons tomorrow. As for me, I would not have mind staying (anyway cab fare isn't expensive-costs me $13plus only when I took it at 12.08am) a bit longer if not for the fact my nose and skin is so sensitive to smoke that had I chosen to stay on, I would have to call in sick tomorrow....
This reminds me of my earlier conversation during lunch with Jie, Lun and San. I was so stubborn about the issue on 'entertainment drinking is rubbish' that I could sense their disapproval at my adamant principles.
I don't care what others think or choose, but I always choose to believe that the world does not come in a mold. We are the people who shape the world's trends and ideals. Hence, I believe that with enough heart and passion, one can move mountains and change the world.
I am sooooooooo angry and irritated about the so-called 'China's culture of drinking cum business talk style'. Why do people throw in thousands of dollars to get drunk and wake up feeling miserable?
These group of people who blindly follow this cultic trend of 'drink more to get business deals' are truly cowards. In a way, I look down on them.
I know by saying such people will condemn me as 'idealistic, naive'. However, I am most aware that most of us started out pure-hearted and idealistic. And along the way, our humanistic nature grows to overtake the spiritual/moral nature that thus sets forth so much misery and problems in the world today......
Oh God, I wish that something can happen to kill off this culture of 'following the world'......
I am grateful that God made me to be so such that I will never give in to world forces. Yes, this road is extremely lonely and tough to walk, but I don't intend to give up.
If Gandhi can, through his perseverance abolished the Caste system, I believe God will walk me through my journey in making a difference to this world physically and spiritually.
The choice is always ours......
My choice today is to remain neutral and focus on Jesus so that my heart won't get too distracted by other affairs.....such as heart affairs....It is so difficult to explain the emotions I can feeling nowadays......
Anyhow, I believe that God's hands will lead me through....
Very grateful to Sen and Justin for expediating my probation period.
December 19 Keep holding on...Once in every lifetime (Eragon)KEEP HOLDING ON (Closing theme of Eragon)
Had a good time watching ERAGON with sis, dear little sian, someone whom I love very much. Spent half of my growing up teenage years babysitting her, really detest her back then, yet I am just willing to go thru those challenging days again, if time reverses. Times of carrying my schoolbag, umbrella and her in my arms on a particular rainy day....
Tonite, we stood together arms in arms after the movie, shivering from the coldness from THE CATHAY 1 after the show. It was the similar raindrops that we faced on our way home, but this time, our hearts were together. We've learnt to love each other for who we are. I no longer am that 'fierce', 'fiery' disciplinarian to her, and she, is no longer that 'burden' to my freedom (because of her, I gave up many hangout moments with frens as a teen). She made cheesecake for me to bring to office, and we still enjoy bickering with one another, agitating one another by wearing each other's clothes, earrings etc.
Suddenly, realise Sian has really grown....never thought we can come so far together.....
ERAGON is a meaningful movie....lots of values to take away from it. But the most heartening feeling after the movie was the feeling of being grateful of what I have in life on the walking journey from THE CATHAY to Dhoby Ghaut MRT station. Sian and I walked pass a contruction side next to THE CATHAY. It was already 9plus and I heard noises from the site still....i can't help but feel so blessed. My heart just went out to the contruction workers working on site there.
I just hope the workers can be safe from the slippery site. Construction work is never easy and safe.....
Back to ERAGON. He's the chosen boy to be the dragon rider to save his world from the evil forces. All the complicated names. But am just grateful to be able to relate more to the production pipeline of a Fantasy-Fic film like this now ever since working at 3dsense. Sat thru the rolling credits to give tribute to the VFX artists....
wow, there are so so many of these artists from VFX to riggers to concept artists to make a ONE film....
Learnt from the characters a few important values in life:
1) Eragon- A heart is what makes him a great leader....(Saphira the dragon said this to him when he asked her why he was chosen as he is only a farmboy? similar to David in the OT, God always chooses the not-so-outstanding in the world's eyes to shine for HIM....)
2) Brom- Sacrificial. He used to be a dragon rider, but somehow he lost in a battle and got his dragon killed. In the 2nd part of the movie, he died, to save Eragon. From a stranger, he became a mentor, the closest to Eragon besides his uncle.
3) Arya- (i fell in love with her too.....). The princess of Ellesméra, skillful and beautiful. I learnt in Wikipedia that later as Eragon seeks to pursue her, she decides to sacrifice her interests to fulfill her duties as Princess.
I wish to be like her; someone who can have such a heart to give up personal interests to fulfill my purpose in life (or rather the purpose which HE calls me to in this ONE LIFE TIME)
4) Saphira- The dragon which is linked heart to heart with Eragon (their communication is faster than modern technology like MSN or sms-they got telepathy...)
She risked her life to save her rider and eventually Eragon managed to heal her and bring her back to life (based on love I guess, the love bond between the rider and his dragon...)
We all hope to have a Saphira in our lives, don't we? well in some ways, Saphira reminds me of Jesus. 'If a rider dies, his dragon will die with him, but if his dragon dies, the rider will live on'.
Fallen in love with the 2 closing theme songs of the movie....
well, just look forward to the part 2 of the movie....and also to bring little sian to all the other Disneylands in the world! Meanwhile, let me continue dreaming that 1 day I may get to work in Disneyland, then start some club/organisation to organise free trips for all the orphans regionally to visit Disneyland.
Yeah, my 30-year-old project may be fulfilling sooner than expected:) wish i can fly over to bangkok next week during the 1 week closing to visit Tree-of-life orphanage and fulfill my pledge to Roger.
You’re not alone Together we stand I’ll be by your side You now I’ll take your hand When it gets cold And it feels like the end There’s no place to go You know I won’t give in No I won’t give in CHORUS Keep holding on Cause you know we’ll make it though we’ll make it though just stay strong cause you know I’m here for you I’m here for you POST CHORUS There’s nothing you can say And nothing you can do There’s no other way when it comes to the two So Keep holding on .. Cause you know we’ll make it though…. So far away I wish you were here Before it’s too late, this could all disappear Before the doors close And it comes to an end With you by my side I will fight and defend I’ll fight and defend December 14 Things that touched my heartOne of those days when time just sped past.....
In fact life has been going on in such a motionless momentum ever since I started work at 3dsense Media School (not at all my preferred list in the first place).
Motionless in the sense that I can't really feel that same kind of excitement and joy as compared to when I gave my heart at SAC. Well, not that I don't give my heart at work now, but the feeling is simply different. And the motivation for working is also different as before.
I won't deny there is so much of ' I got to work my best because it is my duty, obligation as to rather I will work my best because I love to do so, and I am made to so do'.
Perhaps now is too short a time to conclude. However, I am still so grateful to have found this job, to be given the opportunity by God and Sen/Justin.
Amazingly everyday at work has been filled with joy and laughter, and was telling shirleen how faithfully i go for lunch with colleagues nowadays. Lunching with people at SAC was such a rare thing back then (and I kind of fell in love with just eating bread alone in the office for a couple of mths at SAC..., unhealthy)
Today, Zul came over to 3dsense and I was really overjoyed to see him! Zul is one of the best memories from SAC and to think that I did not even think our relationship can come this far when I first met him!
Again, it just shows the race and religion do not prevent one another from being attracted to each other....attracted in the sense we both relate to one another's passion in life and respect/admire each other for what we strongly believe in.
Am sooooo touched by the soft toy Trevor delivered via Zul earlier. Trevor is such a sweet guy sometimes, that I can't say there were not times when I kind of like him for that few minutes.
Well, but it is a fact I will always just like him as a confidate, pal.
Praying to have a softer heart to be touched by the simple and mundane things in life.....was inspired by the 2 pairs of birds flying (on the MRT in morning), the patterns of the clouds in late noon.
And even the fact that Jonathan has forgiven me.....
I love to continue to share and care and make a difference in people's lives.
Dreamingly,I love to do great things yet really, to touch others need not be in magnificent ways but small little ways.
I believe God will make use of me to do greater things in time to come.....my life has been different and shall be different.
yes while I struggle with the normal feelings of loneliness and faithlessness more and more, I am aware that with God, every single day can still be awesome and lived to the fullest!
Loved the single track: 'Learn to be lonely' in Phantom of the Opera, the movie.....
Prayer goes to all those lonely souls and poeple suffering from breathing problems today....
December 11 Don't give up (fight discouragements!)It is God himself who has made us what we are and given us new lives from Christ Jesus; and long ages ago he planned that we should spend these lives in helping others (Ephesians 2:10 TLB)
The purpose of life is so clearly stated in the above verse.....
am feeling still motionless yet able to laugh along n be positive. am still trying to figure out what is my direction in life now....(jeannie told me how she felt lost too being 27 last year n read up a bit on 'quarter life crisis....i think i need it too)
sis is sick n parents were nagging n nagging. To me, i always have the notion of 'what is wrong with falling sick'? We are made to fall sick anyway....no! is vulnerable.
And somehow, i feel the need to earn more $ to provide my mom with a more comfortable life. To think I wanted to pursue my own dreams...
well, being seriously sick some years back n not being able to recover until a long 6 months made me realise that falling sick is part n parcel of life. And there is always good in every bad circumstance.
one of the rare days when I chose to wear a skirt to work....wore it simply becos i wanted to challenge myself to be different, to learn to be more lady-like.....
well, i always think i look nice in skirts cos i got a petite size...(thick-skinned here)
But truth is, i would rather be myself; clad in pants and blouse:)
However, once in a while, i see no harm in challenging myself to wear dresses....morever we're only young once n my youth is just slipping away faster n faster as i age....
Listening to Alvin Fan's sermon on 3rd Dec (which I missed due to Sitex)...shared about 'Don't give up'...so sweet and encouraging to hear his familar voice, which God spoke to me thru him.
Alvin's preaching is filled with borken english (as he is Chinese educated) yet I really respect him as a minister and am always encouraged by his sharing, so real and impactful.
His topic on 'Don't give up' stirs my heart tonite. 'Don't give up' just because no1 appreciates u (me), because there is opposition, simply becos God didn't give up on ME (Jesus died on the cross for ME!)
Is so tempting to be discouraged or rather having no faith in personal life esp when time and time again it is always 'unreciprocations', 'unrequited'
wrong choice I guess.....
Hey...Alvin talked about 'Stagnation', perverence and rebirth! Yes, I feel stagnant in every aspect of life, yet I know this is not a bad feeling. It actually helps me go discover where else I want to move on to spiritually....
So, conclusion is that life is still exciting today, tomorrow because there are so many new things to explore in my new job, new things to explore in new books to read, new friendships etc etc...
Gan Xie Zhu....thank you God.
December 09 How to be passionate, againPASSION=LOVE+MADNESS
Can't believe i actually lose out to those guys at my new work place in terms of passion.
When I was at SAC giving my heart and soul to the work there, i thought that was passion. When i flew over to hongkong for the job interview at MSF (with no subsidy), i thought that was passion. When I gave up opportunities to work in the corportae world 4 years ago to do community work, i thought that was passion.
Looking at Shunjie 2.0 (the guy who 'irritates' me with his non-sensical talks yet the one who constantly blew one away with his whiz in flash and those IT stuff), Justin (the guy who talks as if there is no tomorrow....yet so funny and realistic) and Sen (the small guy who like what Justin said; you just wanna 'worship' him-his knowledge, his heart for what he does, for students, for industry growth made me decided to go nominate him in the NYC youth awards 2007).....and i believe many others whom i haven't met yet.
Perhaps there is a reason why God put me here; to help me re-discover what Passion means.
Truth is; i have already lost my heart since June 06 and ever as I still throw myself in community work, I find little meaning in helping the local community nowadays.
Why donate to flag days? why donate to VWOs esp those like SAC when all they do is to reach out to a limited group of unwilling 'clients' who refused to be helped and refused to change.
I HATE this feeling of being so out of sync and so emotionless.
Thereotically I know that God is my ultimate master and heaven is where i belong and everything here is temporary. I know all these by heart and I truly believe that whatever struggles we are going thru now will be over and blessings will come, even if they come after my death.
Yet it is just one of those periods when you feel so un-purposeful, not making much of a difference in whatever I do.
This, I know has to do with my insecurity as a person since young. The world teaches that you must be of 'certain criteria, possess certain skills, appearances etc' to be valuable, significant-which is why so many rushed to join contests like 'Singapore Idol, Superstar' etc.
We all want people to recognise and agree with our abilities and strengths, don't we? we all wanna feel accepted and belonged, don't we?
So even I, as a Christian tend to struggle with these at times....
Yet I know I am unique and my experiences in my journey in social work since graduation are so special and purposeful and I believe there were people who were impacted by what I did....
one day in heaven i'll be able to understand better...
as for now, i really really need to beg God to help me re-discover my passion and work for my dreams.
sometimes i think my dreams are simple but again when i think about them, i realise those are truly huge dreams which not many really dream of.
(I can't believe it myself that I dream of getting married just so that I can do up a charity fund raiser to collect $ from relatives to donate to a worthy caus,e most prob 3rd world children, and going for honeymoon in a 3rd world orphanage....)
err, no wonder i'm still single today.
Perhaps even God has trouble finding such a man who is willing to pursue my weird dreams with me....hahaha
other dreams are like starting a non-profit organisation that teachers youngsters 'How to be fillial and considerate etc'- a private sch concept that educates moral education in a creative manner.
But the lack of drive and past disappointments made me restless to start one.
But I will definitely start something someday......someday....
am already planning to take up music, photography so that i can go fulfill my '30-year-old' dream successfully.
Hopefully by then I can embark on this '30-year-old' project with someone...but oh well, I am destined to be independent and have gotten used to be independent, so it's ok I think.
Can anyone believe me when I say I look forward to being 30?
December 04 For one more day...tuesdays with morrieFor one more day....what would U do?
for one more day, I would:
1) Say sorry and I love you to all the people around me....
Been engrossed in the writings of Mitch Albom this whole month. Have never invested in so many books/novels in my entire life besides text books.
Am tired from almost 2 weeks of non-stop working....didn't manage to have a good break to recharge physically and spiritually and felt real drained.
Was just mumbling to myself and to windsor n shunjie 'why am i working hard for?'.....well i suppose this is ONE question everyone asks on some days....
For me, I don't wanna end up working like a robot. Yes, work is addictive and can be satisfying temporarily yet the soul can NEVER be satisfied with work alone.
Was just reading the 1st few chapters of FOR ONE DAY MORE (my most expensive novel ever bought!)...about Charley trying to kill himself and ended up back in his old home and seeing his dead mother.....not at all eerie...
Made me think more about my mother and father...the most prominent people in my life and the people whom I didn't love the most yet whom i ought to love the most. Complicated yeah?
Recalling my childhood, i can't seem to remember the many moments they were with me in my growing up years. I remembered fighting through life's struggles alone, crying to God in dark nights.
I will never forget those nights dad ran away from home and how much i grew to hate him though i knew he was a caring dad, giving his best for us yet unable to communicate with us the way we wish he could.
Was just summarising my thoughts and counting blessings to God earlier.
Suddenly, life seems to have fallen into a motion, dead yet alive. So much of me yearns to 'make a difference' yet part of me decided to stay contented and just 'go with the flow'....
Perhaps it's that loneliness creeping in again....the fear of growing old alone, facing challenges alone...even though i know that God is always around by my side no matter what happens....
27 going on 28 in 2 months' time is real scary...scary not for the fact i'm growing old (who doesn;t), but for the fact that it means lesser time i can spend with my loved ones or rather lesser time for me to go and love people....and seek for true love.
Well actually true love is around everywhere daily.
Who loves the idea of being alone, yet fact is if this is the road that has been planned for me (a road which is less travelled and where few want to walk with me), I must learn to moan over the loneliness and yet move on happily because the greatest treasure in life is to be alive knowing what life is all about:)
philosophical yah?
somewhere out there, someone's saying a prayer...just like how I've prayed for the lonely souls out there earlier...esp single women who have sacrificed their youths and lives for the oppressed and needy.
am i ready to join this list? maybe yes, maybe not.....
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