范玮琪 - 是非题

 

It's funny I also got into the mood of sending mass smses on MERRY CHRISTMAS.

Tis the power of technology; MSN< SMS<FACEBOOK (i recently had no choice but went to to become a customer...becos need to access an event via Facebook).

 

Facebook is great, connects us with friends, but, I am a more traditional person; instead of sending e-hugs, or e-gifts.....i would rather deliver tangible real gifts.

 

It's 230am at Terminal 1. This is one of my homes and refuge whenever I feel suffocated from the challenges of life. As said before, airport gives joy, because i see all happy faces here as people travel.

 

I have been overnights at the airport for many times, and everytime I am here, I learnt something new. And the many behind the scenes sights one usually will not notice as a normal traveller.

I see security guards buying coffee to last them thru the night, see night-shift workers at the Check in booths, busy with work, when the rest of the world are tucked away in bed.

 

Why did I come here? because I wana have a different Christmas, different attitude. I hear God's voice clear and loud here, and if I need to cry, I can do so without fearing my family finds out. I never cry in front of them anymore since I grown up. Because I do not wish them to see me upset.

It is rather challenging these few weeks, trying to be happy in front of them, and struggling in my own lost in direction and meaning in life, battlling with some friendship issues too.

 

Friends, I realise I can't do without you more and more; it's great sign, because I am used to eat alone, watch movies alone, travel alone, cry alone, pray alone, shop alone...........

Arghh, actually I do not like to be alone. I like to be part of a team, a group in which we all move towards a similar direction. But Scott Peck said before; 'The road less travelled is lonely'.........certainly it has been a lonely path for me since I left NTU campus group.

 

Devotionals at NTU North Spine remained one of my best memories of NTU days. Girl Guiding days at TKGS were always sweet, though tough. Today is Weiping's wedding......I could not pull myself to attend another wedding because I am suffering from 'wedding phobia'. Really, am not kidding you or self.

 

Attending a recent one of my ex-boss's took me a few days' self persuasion, and love. I love him and his wife, so I wana go. (Not saying I dun love Weiping, but my body felt sick too earlier......)

I hope to see a counselor in time to come when I have more financial stability because I need to overcome my phobia. We all have such phobias, don't we?

 

My body has been receiving bad treatment from me; I feed it bread (flour and sugar), plus caffeine, plus heartburns, and heartaches these 2 months.

I better stop ill-treating my body; it is from God, I should take care of it.

Am getting concerned about my diet; I also lack the taste for good food this year actually. Many times, I survived with just bread and cup noodles, and lots of tea with milk.

 

Such diet can kill. I know......popping Vitamins also did not help much I believe.

 

So I treated myself to a fruitcake earlier....yucks, like rock, and sweet, but who believes I love sweet stuff? I do, but I have to give it a stop, or curfew....else I might get diabetes.

 

Been sleeping real late, 2plus, 3plus......and not wanting to wake up the next day. Been working only a few hours a day at Clementi doing menial job.

 

Decided to blog this out because I wana end this period of 'depression'; have not had a single day of true joy ever since I started work, simply because I laid high expectations and whenever I failed to meet them, I blame myself for not trying hard enough.

And I never felt really suitable for any job I took up.

 

My ideas are never short; in fact, I have different ideas on social enterprise constantly, and I do write them down, and submit for partnerships etc. And I never stop trying to find a place to give my time freely.

 

Started volunteering in a new area on sunday; yeah, I thought about becoming an editorial person 2 weeks ago, and I know my skills will not warrant me a job in this aspect, so I have to start from somewhere.

 

Am always proud of my zeal in midst of every low point in life. Sure, certain days I cry harder, and have no energy, but I try to really breakthrough all my life; simply because I believe.

 

I believe that hope is always around, and yes, while I am still upset about my failures, I believe these will convert to my success in future.

 

'For nothing is impossible with God'.

 

And I just wana thank all of you for being with me these weeks, these years, Trevor, Joanne, James, Pei of course.

 

Very happy to receive Huishan, siewkhim and Han's smses earlier; did not expect, so very glad to receive. This is why I always believe that thoughtful gifts, in surprise will cheer a person up.

 

I will continue to give gifts, hopefully I can produce my own designer cards soon............have bought almost all the cards available in the market, as a market research.

 

When I plan something, I will do it, fulfill it. God is my partner, only one, ever will be with me.

 

Merry Christmas to myself too:)