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February 27 Falling down (and not able to stand up)Visited Shumei yesterday, her condition was really bad....she is going to be trapped in her mind of low self esteem forever....it seems....
I wish I can help her overcome her fears and struggles towards life...
Now why am I even thinking of all these just because of a slip? Why is it so hard to face up to reality and re-stand up and run again?
It is because of something called 'Heartache'. Heartache because of discouragements which arise from forgotten meaning in life.....
I cannot even convince myself why I need to live on, so how do I help Shumei? Yet I do not have the reason or urge to take my life....no, never....I promise God I will never give up my life, for HE gave his life for me so that I can live a new life. It was at the Cross where I understood love and understood that my past mistakes, sins and present and future sins can be washed away.
So why am I still struggling with this same issue? Why?
Suddenly find myself so foolish trying to change the world, save the world, help the poor, make a difference....does it matter anyway?
From time to time, I will need to cry over my own choice taken 4 years ago when I decided to give up a normal. mainstream life to seek for employment in VWOs/NGOs that fulfill my dream.
I feel like it was a wasted journey in some days.....I gained nothing tangible....I fell terribly sick at AMK FSC, that to this day it haunts me (this Sinus). And I did not manage to save much due to the increased medical fees and low salary in the 1st 3 years of my working life...
and I lost some friends due to my own engagement and engrossment in social work. Helping the poor was at times even more important than meeting up with friends and simply hanging out with them.
Just what is wrong with me? Why do I seem so determined to pursue this dream of 'making a difference' when I feel so disappointed all the time and relationships around me are just not turning out right.
I don't even have the heart to love my family....I have to remind myself, force myself to be more loving to my family.
On days/nights like this, I don't have the single sense of heart or desire to love anyone...not even my mom who sacrificed so much for us...
I wish I can sit down in a quiet place outdoor and cry out loud.....
Crying is therapeutic....
Oh God, please simply give me the courage to continue and stand up from where I have fallen....it is hard.
Yes, let go of all the hurts, pains, disappointments, false hopes....
But again, pains and sufferings are just as important as happy things in life....
Can anyone BELIEVE me when I say I won't wanna trade all these negative things for better things?
I mean it:)
February 24 My 28th BirthdayReally thank God for giving me a very special 28th birthday this year.
For some years I dreamt of organising a Charity music event on my birthday, to raise funds for the less privileged, and finally, this dream is realised on 11 Feb 2007.
Thank the Creator and Jonathon How, The Singapore Art Cafe's boss for doing this event with me.
Don't ask me why, but I simply LOVED organising fund raisers. Fund raising special events link people and resources together. I LOVED the adrenaline of different people of varied backgrounds coming together to build something - HOPE. Though the 'something' build is intangible, it leaves everyone (volunteers, donors, beneficiaries) feeling great after each event. And it is with this wonderful feeling that I seek to continue to organise Charity fund raisers on birthdays, anniversaries etc.
In fact, over the CNY past few days, I had in mind a plan. A plan to register a company organising Tribute events. I have found something again that gives me the drive to live on, to remember the value of existence, the purpose in life and the reason why God led me through those situations in my life for the past 27 years.
I am still learning how to love with an open and forgiving heart, really.
Another reason for the Charity birthday concert was simply because I LOVED music and singing since a child. Like any other teenager, I dreamt to be a pop star, singer etc....
Singing makes a person healthy, I believe.
Got to sing Pei's new song about FRIENDS. I hope she can hold her mini concert one day, and as always, I told her I will be her Stage Manager.
Another song which I sang was Dick lee's 'Pursuit' or 'Zhui', in cantonese! I loved the lyrics and tune to this theme song of 'He's a woman, she's a man'. Loved it simply because I feel that we're all searching, pursuing something in life....and also, I loved Anita Yuen, the female actress in this Hong Kong movie.
Audrey Hepburn is one of my preferred loved classic screen actresses. Pei and me chose 'Moon river' to suit the Valentine's mood.
Am very thankful for all the friends who came....esp my past, present colleagues like Janice and Husband, Trevor and family, Sen and Justin.
And of course very happy to have my church friends who came in a big gang to support!
Also, ever faithful Siew Khim and Mingzhu who volunteered as reception helpers...without Siew Khim, I really cant cope...
Special friends like Joanne yau, James Lim (so sweet of him to offer his help to buy chocolates for doorgifts).
Unusual friends like HAN (whom I don't know very very well) also turned up....am flattered...
not forgetting Jay Lim (Junjie) who sang so beautifully and powerfully. Glad to see his wife-to-be too!
To have Evan's blessings and support makes the whole event meaningful. I will plan a trip to visit Khon Kaen to visit him and the kids at Khon kaen School after the busy period at 3dsense Media School....
'Somewhere out there, someone's saying a prayer...' I would like to sing this song in my next charity concert.
I am no Stephanie Sun, but I am Huiqing, a simple yet wild hearted gal who yearns to give my life to help the needy using my gifts and interest in organising events to raise awareness and funds for the needy.
Everyone is needy at some point in life...I was and still can be 'needy', but HE who created me has stood by me, given me strength and faith to continue living.
And yes, I shall seek and pursue every 1 more second of life, to treasure it, and love more....
Last, special thanks to Stanley Leong of FM93.8 radio to invite us for an interview on 9 Feb 07....what an experience:)
I can't wait for 30 years old to arrive.... February 21 I still believe (Miss Saigon)Yes still, I still believe
I know as long as i can keep believing, I'll live
I'll live
Love cannot die
You will return, You will return
And I alone know why
Welcome year of the Pig.
The CNY holidays are over, and back to reality-work
March is gonna be an incredibly busy month, 2 roadshows.
How can I survive through?
When will I get to do something that thrills my heart? Anytime, provided if I have the courage and faith.
I have lost heart and faith in the local charity sector.
But still, I wanna believe that there is hope.
I cant seem to get out of the faithlessness and discouragements faced in my family this past 1 year. I can't accept the fact that the Heart can changed just like this.
Had a talk over MSN with Joanne earlier....she has given up hope...
and left me still trying to believe that He will return, she will be with him *Fairytale ending*
I really wish Fairy God Mother would come and rescue this marriage.....
How can I explain my sadness? How can I move on in life? Yes, I can, by filling my heart, mending it with other stuff, but still, the hole remains. And time cannot heal the crack, time can only cover it up.
Love really hurts....really hurts.....Oh God, what can we all do?
I am gonna tell Clare I wanna join her tomorrow.
Dreamt of bringing cousins to Disneyland, to make them happy. Dreamt of organising a charity trip to sponsor kids in need to Disneyland, with cousins as my helpers....dreamt of....all the impossible.
But I must dream on, for dreams make me alive.
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