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March 22 Teri writes; 复活节Had an awesome day on a writing spree! Went to St Andrew's church to pray and cry a bit, and settled at Rocky Master to read Jimmy's new book.
Jimmy; I thank God for an Artist like him.
向左走,向右走, 我会写下去, 有一天,他会懂:) March 18 失恋是否每一个人都会失恋?
我猜,因开会吧?
第一次去印尼,是因为工作,13 - 17日3月，不算难忘，却又有新的收获。我发现，我真的‘失恋‘了。。。’是对生命 失恋了。
Why am I always falling out of love with life?.....because I fell in love with life too hard.
Well, it's a wonderful feeling to fall in love with life, and be grateful daily, but, I need to confess I am NO Saint and certainly have fallen further and further behind HIS' guidance.
今天还说了一个谎言，因为脑筋有一点不寻常，也真搞不懂自己。想在这里忏悔；我又变成了一个孤单的败者，只因 心 不会跳了。
Life is funny; you will never realise what you have IS actually what you want until you lose it. I told Kim at the flight back earlier; there were somethings that made me very sad and she made one comment: 'certain things are not meant to be'.
Argh....sounds like some line from a soap drama. And yes, life is made up of fragments of dramatic scenes, some magnified, some just too insignificant to remember.
HOW DO I KNOW what's falling out of love when I have not been truly in love before?
I should stop saying I have never fallen in love before. I had. I was so much in love with musicals when I was 19 that life literally blossomed and HOPE magnified whenever I finished watching a movie musical (from Tape on loan from the then old Bedok Library).
I pursued my love and belief in wanting to serve the needy in the community services upon graduating from Business school and cast away all thoughts of practicality and adamantly chased after my dreams; to help others who are in need.
Yet along the way, my pure heart got drained and got tainted. I began to criticise people who served in the charity sector as 'not driven and passionate' enough, or they are just being too selfish to go into collaborations and partnerships and for some reason, even as I 100% allow myself to fall in love with my job and never had much 'monday blues' (everyday was meaningful), I also allowed myself to be more exposed to the rules of this world.
And I decided that pure chasing of my dreams is enough.
I have been not too happy when friends described me as 'loving, kind, gentle, compassionate'. I wanted to hear words like 'strong, determined and considerate'.
Today, I can finally admit I am not loving, not that all gentle but I do admit I dislike conflicts, and people who are selfish and only keep wanting to pursue self interests. I never really like people who are demanding and want things to be done his way.
But the world raises up people such as the Pharisees; they talk loud, allow themselves to be seen, demand status recognition and yet have little compassion.
Everyone has a past, so do I. If I tell you my past (since Oct 2007), would you promise to still be my friend?
I say grace before a meal without even pondering what I said, I murmured....(I have no liking for food....)
I forced myself to think about a friend to pray for a day, just to keep my heart not selfish and soft (I hate myself being unloving sincerely....love means I wana care for the other person genuinely, without having to force myself to remember.....)
My heart has turned cold.....during these 4 days, I did not even think of my family or my friends....I just allow myself to focus at work, and then cry on my hotel room at night and then start working again the next day.
Crying in a hotel room is so therapeutic yet ths effect is losing its power day by day....and one day, crying will have no purpose of therapy anymore...scary.
What kind of a disciple am I? How would Jesus look at me today? My heart is so rotten.....
so what if I miss some people, somethings I loved so much? God simply wants me to love HIM, allow me to be loved by others and for me to love others.
I pray for tomorrow to be a day when I can love, love everything, the MRT, the clouds, the fact that I have a reason to live; because I do not have a valid reason to die as yet.
I pray; for him, for them, for mom, for dad, for bro, for Joanne, for Liqin.
I pray, for a heart to love everyone I meet again.
It doesn't matter if the interaction point is short, what happens is I sincerely give my heart to everyone and love like I have never loved before.
Love always wins; with this, I believe I can work in anywhere, with anyone. Sincerely, I work with an attitude of striving to believe in everyone, and unsure if I should continue with this, I think I will just keep loving.
I confess I have no energy or motivation to love anything now, and all I feel daily is that aching feeling of grief; enormous amount of grief, that noone shares, yet I wish to travel again, travel to all parts of this world, before I pass this world.
Dear God, I wish I can turn back time, I have never thought about wanting to turn back time, no matter how sad things are, yet this time, I am struggling so deep to be human.
Dear God, I do not wish to be spoonfed or be given special treatment, I just want to see your will for me, in this 'heartbrokenness'.
Dear God, I am not very thankful today, but I wish to end my day with a thanksgiving.
You love me, and I wana be able to say that this is all I need.......
March 06 I miss her; 3dsense Media SchoolFinally, I am starting to write again, in this blog that I began when I left SAC.
Blogs are good for recording my work history yah?
I miss a friend, miss her very much. She came into my life in Oct 2006 and I can never forget the 1st day I started my new journey with her. She is so warm, so young yet filled with pride. I miss being with her, and it was the first and only place where I could let down my hair and be my real self. She accepted me for who I was, and who I am then.
Passion, Focus, Driven, she is all of these....
She loved me, with respect.
I was inspired by her, she was open to my feelings, as I often shared about how wonderful and the best I had ever experienced. She was like an old friend, and a lost friend that I am destined to meet in this one lifetime.
Gradually, my love for her grew to the extent where I was ready to let go of my original stubborn ideals and embrace hers. She won me over.
But as Fate often arranges in ways we can never understand why, I let go of this beautiful relationship. My heart was in so much pain, beyond all words from the time I said goodbye to her, from that single day I decided to let her go out of pure love for her. I knew that at that point, letting go of her was the only choice I had.
For 4 months, even until now, I cry constantly for this lost friendship, that made my heartbeat genuinely for 426days.
I miss her, very very much.
And noone will believe me if I said I had wanted to stay with her for the rest of my life......I wanted so much to....to see her grow, to be a part of her growth....I was not angry or tired of the issues that arose when she was facing some personal struggles. I wanted so much to say I would be happy to continue to sacrifice everything I had in terms of personal ideals, for her.
It was a love relationship noone can understand, and I thought maybe there was one friend who could...but he did not too....or rather he felt I should be myself and let go of it and go pursue what is better for me.
I did not have a chance to tell him how much I loved her, and how much I loved him....
3dsense Media School; a paradise in my life, the best memories of my working life shall always remain intact in Paradiz Centre, #04-01.
Justin Chua, a friend whom I did not get to tell him in person how much I am grateful to him, and how much I learnt from him and hope to be a part of his life for the rest of this one life we have. He gave me something that none has managed to give me before......and he did not know....
Out of sillyness, I told him so many things, via writings, smses...and he chose Silence to end it...to let me know that the day I gave her up, he ended the friendship too.
I did not tell you I fell in love once so deeply before right?
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