got 2 packs of tissue paper before leaving my house this morning....

 

told big J am going to be depressed for the day and took a day's leave. Pretty unlike me ya? emo. Well it happens once in a while when hormones change and resulted in eczema relapse.

 

Eczema, skin illness-whatever you call it. It is not cruel, unlike what J said. But it's more of like with IT for 10 years, it makes your heart more able to empathise with PHANTOM rather than call him an evil man.

 

Lucky for me, Creator knew I couldnt handle this alone, so He stretched out his hands and lifted me from my pit 7 years ago. Compared to many others who never got to know HIM, I merely struggled through the 'dark ages' of Eczema for 3 years alone.

 

Alone, lonely? Such feelings never get me really down, but I must confess I hate to be trapped in my own world of self-depressed/pity

 

Strangely, the effects of Eczema are more than just molding my fighting spirit. It also helped me to decide never to have kids of my own (noone believes me! Ed kept saying dont anyhow say....i'll regret). But I mean it when I make such a statement.

 

Already, I struggle with fighting this being single and no burdens, I cant imagine if I were to go through the dark days affecting my family, and my own children if I do have them.

 

But I will have my own kids-adopted ones definitely! Already trying to name them.........

 

Still hesitating if I should go ahead to see Dr Ratnam later....seeing him is a form of relief but a deep heart-ache always (it costs 1/5 of my take home income to see him, 1/5!)

 

The most frustrating thing when it comes to ezcema is it always comes when It knows I have other plans for my $. I was about to make a huge order for pandan cakes to be delivered to my mom's workplace (Man Fatt Tong Old folks home), as a tribute to the folks there, and in honor of my mom for Mothers' Day.

 

And now, I have to figure out how best I can carry out this plan without suffering too much losses.

 

Sounds like a war strategy kind of thing.

 

Thus, I am really tired.

 

On days like these, I wish I can disappear into the Black Holes and not come out until IT goes away...

 

Am not sure if I get to use the tissue paper in the way I plan to later (becos I cant even cry properly with IT)....but nonethless, appreciate the guy who invented tissue paper...(though I must admit I misuse it often...wastage....)

 

Oh...tissue paper.

 

Will there be a day I stop using them?

 

 

 

 

 

Proactivity, initiative are recent words in my work vocabulary, constantly.

 

Just how willing are we/am I to do things based on own drive? We are willing to do certain things willingly most of the time, but circumstances are such that we just set our mode to 'automatic'/'default many times, especially after we faced disappointments and rejections.

 

Finally, I reckon today (due to an incident) that there is no point in dwelling on an issue or trying to change certain outcome of things. Was I affected by that incident? Absolutely yes! Did I think or trying harder? Yes, I did.

 

But as human as I can be, there is a limit to my level of 'bearing disappointments'.

 

So, decided to move on forward (ya, esp after watching 'Meet the robinsons'), and leave the past behind.

 

Memories can be kept, but the present has to be faced up to, and of course the future to embrace.

 

Did I say looking forward to more beautiful things in my last blog? Yes, certainly look forward to the new environment in HK (yes, I've decided at heart it is time to move forward, to go, regardless what- if I do get selected by MSF).

 

Sen's funny dream came as a surprise, and it did touch me to reflect if it is alright to stay on...or rather, if it is worth staying on. Truth is, right at this moment, I am ready to say that 3 words- 'I won't stay' or 'I will leave'.

There is probably another set of 3-words to say, but well, I don't think is relevant anymore now.

 

James' sharing on his mission trip to Kunming, China really inspires me a lot, alot. It made me realise how small my world can be and how awesome many women's hearts are, esp those of social workers (who are mostly single, yet beautiful at heart and outwardly). I wont dream of becoming like those workers in the 3rd world, but it is sufficient for me to contribute in the area which I can exert 200% of initiative without being rewarded tangibly : coordinating events, advocating issues, and fund raising-social issues.

 

Nothing else makes me happier than knowing that I can and have contributed to the world's well being.

 

For I love the world to be at peace and people to be happy and safe, and I reckon it is not because I am super loving. Instead, it simply reflects God's image in us- we desire to make this world a better place, because when the world was first created, everything was in order, peace and joy....

 

So,'Move on forward' is the only thing I can live by now.

 

Like what Morrie said, 'Cry a bit if need to daily, and move on'.

 

This is what I will be doing....

in movies, they like to use words like 'destiny', 'fate' and 'predestined'.

 

it's funny how i find myself being thrown into such scenarios...trying to be rational about it too.

 

It's strange how you realise what Destiny throws you into, it's a process of gradual realisation of certain things never once expected. Being someone ever rational and 'cool-headed', it is not easy to admit to certain 'acts of Destiny'.

 

But I always am grateful to what HE has brought me to....never did I dare to dream or believe my life can be filled with meaning and with a real Heart. To love is to commit to something wholeheartedly and place self interests at a lower priority. Simply, to love is to give and give...

 

Anyway, am grateful for my life, though am still in the process of finding the purpose and value of my life....

 

still, entangled by affairs of the 'Heart'- things that bother my Heart: 'Why is this world so evil and destructive'? My Heart yearns for some miracle-unification of human strength/will to change certain injustice in this fallen world....

 

Only God can have the power to do so....

 

maybe i should just leave it to HIS hands

 

and meanwhile, look forward to something beautiful in life....

 

Maybe what I need is simply to repent.

 

repent from my sinful nature of being cold and selfish. I am very selfish as a person, was and still can be. Many times, I caught myself not able to put others' interests above mine and act upon my own will and comfort zone.

 

as a follower of Christ (who is selfless), I feel ashamed of my own weaknesses. Yet too often my heart is so drained by the worrisome issues in my life (sticky ones that come and go and come again, like a haunting ghost...). But i admit I am weak....

 

So how do i love on from here?

 

Sad about Siew Khim's disappointments of not able to get into the NP course, sad about no one bothering much about recyling and saving the earth....sad about the way earth has gotten itself into such a rotten stage.

 

What can I, a mere human do? I am weak myself, yet I dont wish to see the world around me going into a more destructive stage.

 

Lord God, I am still figuring out what is my purpose on life and here at 3dsense, so I can only pray harder and fast harder (on watching TV) these 2 weeks for my heart to be purer.

 

Maybe there is a reason why my heart is drier now....

 

so that it will thirsts for the water giver of all hearts-Jesus Christ.

 

I really dont know how to love him, at this point in time, but I am not giving up yet.....

 

and about the other one....it'll take time.....

 

leave it to HIM

 

Thank you Lord.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

am delighted beyond words.....never expected such a reply.

 

unsure what will happen this time, but will do my best this round.

 

I think I will miss 3dsense.....definitely will.

 

Yet I really look forward to the chance to apply my skills and passion in a place where my heart is (not that I have no passion in animation- I do look forward to be part of production marketing efforts one day....).

 

Life is too short for regrets, and I am very thankful for my life today, for God. This week has been better because I remember God's words and promises.

 

Travelling to work has become less of a chore and relatively light-hearted. While facing a morning crowd of faces ready to kill someone anytime, I manage to maintain my cool and smile at heart.

 

All these feelings don't come by easy. I complained a lot more to God nowadays, often talking to myself (to God) on my way home. But it is therapeutic again I realise.

 

Yes, my frustrations still remain (eczema esp), but I am finding it less reactive and found a place (BT) where I can calm my emotions down.

 

MSF, I look forward to join MSF....noone will understand why I hope to leave a comfortable life in SG to work in a far-off place with few friends, only God does and He will support me.

 

Well, it is heartening to know there is someone who understands and support my passion too....wish him all the best too....

 

MSF, here I come again.

Was captivated by the animation 'Anastasia' by 20th Century Fox since its opening 10 years ago. Was in JC then and brought little sian to Millenia Walk to watch the live performance. And crazy me dragged her (she has no choice because she still needs to hold my hand then) along twice to see it.

 

And fanatical me went to watch the film twice, and I remembered crying the second time I watched....

 

Had a quick yet enjoyable dinner chat with a new friend, Gary Tay (Jo's fren who is teaching Web Dev for the new weekday nite class). He's another talented Geek (well he professed to it).

 

Been not too happy about something at work but could not voice it up, or rather, don't wish to go thru the trouble of raising it up. Becos I realise in life, there is no perfect situation and life is not fair but God is fair. I am trying to let myself believe that God is in control and that matter IS part of his plan for me to grow and learn to accept cruel facts and uncertainties in human's promises.

 

We humans are best known for our 'lack of commitment' and 'lack of heart to keep to our vows'. Just take a look at the statistics of the divorce cases out there and it sums up my previous comment.

 

I wish to spell it out clearly my thoughts towards this work incident but I cant, and shouldn't (because I love all my colleagues, and don't wish to end up hurting anyone).

 

So I remain the one in hurt. or rather, trying to get over this hurt and disappointment.

 

Managed to catch the last episode of 'When screws turn loose(TVBdrama Lawyer show starring Lisa Wong and Myolie Wu). Is really sad to see Shen Yiyan's (played by Myolie Wu) dad passed away. However, his words reminded me some important facts which I already knew (but have not accepted and remembered). He said, 'Life is not about how long we live, but about the quality of the living, whether it is lived happily.' True joy has no fear of time.

 

Really, I cried along too when the Shen family cried and especially when Shen Yiyan mourned over her dad's death by becoming quieter, less cheerful due to the grief.

It reminded me of how little I treasure my own family, esp my aging parents and of course my father-someone whom I love and hate all the time growing up....

His is a life plagued with discontentment and illness and for both, there is no way to help him see a brighter life ahead or even accept life's goodness in the past. His memory is filled with ugliness, bitterness and sadness. Nothing seems to be able to cheer him up except probably striking lottery...(why are most aging men like him only see happiness as having lots of $?)

 

I will and can never forget the hurt he has caused us, esp those hurtful words like 'I wish I have never given birth to you all!'

 

It makes me question if all parents really love their children or even understand the reason for bringing their children to this world which is both beautiful and ugly.

 

Only God can answer me one day....I don't really care about the answer and it's more of like I wish to know how my parents felt when we were born...

 

 

But I know that God is still a living God today and I don't have to be pressured so much by the world's standards. I have to always be reminded by TV programs, books, other people's sharing or even negative issues to stay strong in faith, to believe that God is in control and eventually, what happens most of not how much wealth we have accumulated in life.

 

Life is just plainly enjoyment, contentment and bringing joy to others and self.....

 

 

 

 

 

Didnt manage to listen much to God today, but got HIM to listen to my woes at the B.T.

 

The sky at sunset time was simply beyond words' description. If only I can see sunsets daily....

 

I realise how little I have relied on God these days, simply holding the steering wheel as I deem fit. No wonder it gets discouraging so easily nowadays.

 

Could not stand my eczema coming back to haunt me and started to get into a self-pity mode, crying non-stopily.

But Crying IS really therapeautic. Not that I love to cry, but each time after I cried, I felt relieved and some parts of the burden is just lifted off my heart and mind.

 

Read the 'Art of Anastasia' this morn at office. Simply breathstaking. It was one of the 3D animated films which captivated my heart, soul, mind and strength.

 

And this film helped me get past one of the dark ages in my growing up years as a teenager.

 

So maybe that's why there is a reason why Animation and I got acquainted with each other.

 

With Imagination, our minds soar, and our souls are freed....well at least it's how I feel.

 

Had a bad day but now, finally soothed by God's promises.

 

I will live on, the way Aya did.

 

(so when will I publish my book?)