had my 2nd MC of the week.....but really, woke up almost hard to breathe....

 

went to see doc again at SengKang...

 

and afternoon finally went for that long intended but delayed super short hair cut. Kind of not used to such a short cut after these few years of longer hair, but well, i went for it.

 

and now, am trying to start afresh and get used to my old 'mushroom' headcut again....surprisingly, despite older now, this shortcut still suits my face very nicely...

 

New cut, new heart...

 

I hope to do my best in my job and everything i do from now on...no more time to waste..whenever my sinus replapses, i would feel that i don't have much time left....

 

I will NEVER forget those 6 months haunted by hard breathing, and greenish mucus..yucks...

 

Enough of sadness...

 

I will move forward, with TENACITY, PASSION and PERSEVERANCE....someone whom i am grateful for taught for this:)

 

wow, life is amazing at times....

 

had a good time chatting with Jaex on my way home last night after the Welcome CGO party at MOS. As usual, I don't enjoy smoke and drink although i must say these 2 are great buddies in binding people togther.

 

went home earlier as the air-con was too much for my weak nose to handle....weak....i HATE the word weak, for I am never someone who bows in to vulnerability. But knowing my own weakness and accepting it is just one of those lessons I need to learn over and over again.

 

CGO this week: it was a fun time of exchanging contacts and small talks with people from all over the world like Saudi Arabia - Mustudy and Omar were nice chaps, so was Peter from Slovakia.

 

Had a good nap after coming home earlier...and dreamt of work (again).

 

But the highlights of the day were actually feeling so super down and lost until I simply didn't know what to expect of life anymore....and then, something happens.

 

'Counselling' Siew Khim and helping her made me realise how little I have relied on Faith and (God) too. But I'm excited to share the Word with her next week...it's time, after so long.

 

And also, the most unexpected person to inspire me and 'wake' me up is Ila. One sentence he said made me realise I am just walking in circles.....

He said about persevering and pursuing my passion. And he said about giving up routine and stability in exchange for Happiness....wow!

 

This is exactly what I need to hear.

 

Sacrificing routine and stability and comfort.

 

I have already made my plan known to so many people, close or not close....and I cannot turn back now and can only push forward to fulfill the dream God has replanted in my heart, after so much disappointments.

 

Well, if I find something sucks, then I should do something to make it better, right?

 

And this makes the Mantra of my life: If you can't change it, break it and make a new and better one

 

Thank you God, for the drowsy medicine....i'll have a good sleep later.

 

 

 

 

 

in moments when Faith is low, hope seems far and LOVE is indifferent, Life is really tough.

 

Spending days over & over unsure of Who we are , what we can do is a dread. But this is what I am facing now: WHO AM I?

Read through again 'Margaret's TWENTY SOMETHING' gave me a clue that I need a compass to find out Who I am such that I can move on to finding out my meaning in life.....

 

Aren't these supposed to be simple like My purpose is to love God and serve him and his people? Well, in a most general way, it is. But I don't internalise this as before or rather, there must be more specifics as to what the bible mean by 'to love God and serve him'?

 

It has been 2 weeks since a strong urge to tender my resignation and just pack a few clothings to roam the world. Loans, debts are just too much for me to leave them now andd just say GO.

 

Or maybe I can?

 

Watching Shrek 3 reminded me that many times, we are our own obstacle and FEAR and enemy. If we can convince ourselves of the desires we want for ourselves, the tenacity to brave all challenges, then NOTHING can hold us down, I truly believe, cross my heart.

 

Arthur is right; I need to just face up to my own fear in reaching my dreams.

 

With a divine strength, I can and should believe I can.

 

 

 

Perhaps my mind and heart is defused....though I do not know what it is meant by 'Defusion'.

 

I only wanna be totally open today. Work has hit rock bottom and it is a series of 'pretending, & pretending' to be enjoying, to be alright with the way my heart is at work now. Facing an empty home without bro & sis-in-law is like Hell.

 

Imagine having nightmares & dreams EVERY Night. I can't sleep, I've forgotten the joy of sleeping...I need sleeping pills I think....

I dread sleeping now, but my body is tired....but i HATE the feeling of waking up with headache...i am afraid of the kind of wobbly feeling when I force myself to wake up daily for work....

 

This symptom has been with me since last June.......& i can feel my body rotting away...& my youth wasting away...

 

I feel Dejected.

 

Deprived of life's bliss and joy, discouraged of things that did not go well in life, after so many years of struggling, disappointed in many aspects of life though I always force myself to maintain a positive outlook and hang on....

 

Dear God, what is happening to my once pure & simple heart?

Why is it that my constant prayers to have a pure heart isn't working???

 

I really have a phobia attending joyous occasions now, like weddings, baby's birthday etc...reminds me of Joanne's pain.

 

I don't feel hope at all, but I need to have Hope, so that others may have Hope through me? How long more am I going to hang on?

 

I still feel rejected, abandoned and alone, unbelonged after so many years of trying to fit in somewhere.....now, I don't even feel belonged to the church of christ....

 

Lord God, can you help me find your peacefulness?

 

Towards work, I always expect myself to have enthusiasm towards it, but it has really become a mere chore, duty and I HATE this kind of mono feeling....I envy S & J being happy in what they do.

 

Why can't I be like them too? Why? What is wrong with me?

 

Eve needs my consolation & support, I need to be stronger....(though inwardly I am even more insecure than she is.....)

 

Mixed feelings....to leave or stay....

 

Am so lost....again....