10th anniversary of Eczema cum newfound friend, acne. Combination of dry and oily skin can either kill or force one to take the vow of celibracy.

 

One of the worst attacks this year....(and I don't understand why so many relapses nowadays???- Stress?)

 

Cried until tears went dry and i've learnt to auto stop letting my tears flow. But i can't even cry in peace.....or rather, there's hardly anywhere i can cry without seeing people.

 

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 

However, had a jog with Jesus...and shouted at top of my lungs...and it felt good.

 

so maybe i should start making plans for migration and start looking for a job overseas in a less stressful country. I am very certain Singapore cutlture is not for me.

 

I hate chicken rice, laksa, hokkien mee etc......and hate buying cheap things like ABC shop....and hate pirated VCDs.....and hate Pasar Malam...and hate getting 'Buy one get one free' products....

 

I like the world to be original, pure, real, authentic.....not copies or machinated products with minor adjustments.....

 

Where in this world can I go to?

 

and who can I go with? (it's another thing to know who to go with, but as to how to make it realise is another matter....)

 

I will fight on?

 

hear what He says...

 

Paprika is the name of a jap anime I just watched earlier. Very deep story....about how dreams can go too wild....scary.

 

Again, I fell into those days when I feel like a wafering stranger in this office, this home, this world....(but at back of my mind, I seem to have forgotten God is still my Father and I belong to Heaven one day....)

 

Wanted to write on the normal people around me tonite....(no specific order why they are in this 'list')

 

Dad: Always basing every action and thought on $. Scolded sis for being 'too generous' when she bought $11 worth of donut last nite. (but really, she's crazy to spend hard earned $ on her friends...i can't understand why she has to do this ALL the time, fancy her waking up at 5am to bake cakes for friends....???)

 

Bro: trying to get a MBA to climb higher the corporate ladder....(good for him but it's still hard for me to forget what happened between punggol & bedok, Oh God, not again....)

 

Diana: skeptical easily, and negative gal, but kind hearted like any other typical lady. laughs along with guys reading FHM, wishes to get married, goes for facial, make-up....(i'm gonna miss her a lot)

 

Justin: passion, focus, driven. aims to be the best entrepreneur and has proven in word and deeds....(but i can never understand what he really thinks....does it matter?)

 

Sen: happy-go-lucky....engrossed in his own world but happy in it. blessed with the support of family and loved ones to pursue his dream...(he's really not that kind of boss you'll meet in centuries to come...)

 

Kathy: another happy-go-lucky 30+ woman who is not fearful of anything, any grief....faces life bravely and enjoys life blissfully, hang out with friends, love Pasar Malam, shopping at times....so easily contented....(though not very educated, she's a mentor to me in life, and a great sis-in-christ)

 

Weilin: relates to almost every guy and gal in the whole world, or at least her world of pals. Has plenty of memories and fun with her bunch of buddies....never the missed one if there are parties or hang-outs. Amibitious yet good hearted (though she refused to admit)....she's a unique friend whom i can't be very close with but still we're quite dear in each other's life...

 

Shirleen: The one who gave me a new lease of life by showing me to God....ambitious in career, very down to earth nowadays, in fact overly earthly(worldly).....marriage seems not a topic in her life now, though there are issues to resolve....(i really wonder if she has truly loved him before....). Can't fit in much of her world now, but still, we're bonded by blood of Christ and always will be dear sisters.

I owe my life to her...in a big way

 

Trevor: another one of those you won't probably meet in another thousand years to come. Nice chap, sweet, kind, generous but weird....and $-focused on certain things (i still disagree with him that so what if a degree holder doesn't earn enough to get a creditcard...what's the BIG deal about a Creditcard?). Great pal, helped me when I was about to drown in my career path...but again, our worlds don't collide so much nowadays and in fact has never really touched before....

we're of the opposite poles

 

John: a bit maniac in his actions....chubby but plump. But intelligent guy he can be. we joke at times, but he shuts me off his world, and so do I....(now what's the point I reach out to him?....)

 

Edward: Work, play are both integrated. Enjoys his modelling, and City of Heroes. Goes home to see kid and wife after work....(well I thought he was a nice guy....but....that thursday men's night they had ruined my impression of him....)

But overall am blessed to have a cooperative colleague like him....everything i need, he gives me quick.

 

Maybe the closest friend who lives in my heart is only Pei. Same dream (different type), same age, same ideals, same status (single).....but in some ways, we are different totally too....

 

In sum, who can I really count on and feel I am part of? Not even my own family because Bedok is just a hotel I come back to....I hate walking the crowded lanes passing by the dirty smelly food centre....hate the Pasar Malam going on now....(WHY IS EVERY1 loving pasar malam? I hate them).

But it doesn't mean I don't love my parents. I love them, I respect them, I wanna take care of them....but i don't know how or what i can do better in my role as a daughter....

 

I just don't feel belonged to Singapore. I hate all Singaporean food, hate the weather, hate the mindsets, hate the shopping malls....

though i don't hate the government. I still respect PAP though certain policies are really seriously not working.

 

I hate the hypocrisy, I hate SQC when people aren't sincere or are fake in their emotions when servicing others....

 

At times, in fact many times I question myself so what good does it serve if I treat every caller like a friend SINCERELY? I am becoming just colder and colder now....

 

The 'Paprika' in me has melt away slowly due to disappointments and transformation by this world....scary world it is...

 

If I have the choice to choose, I wanna be free to feel anything for anyone....I just wanna be real and pure always.....(but i get upset whenever i feel why am i the ONLY one doing somethings.....and the rest just live through life happily???)

 

maybe i'm really 'chosen' to carry out his will.

 

 

 

 

Travelling alone is one of the best forms of enjoyment one can have. And the blessed me just managed to have another good solo trip to Western Australia.

 

The skies and clouds in Perth are my best memories which I took back and hope to hold on to them in times of depravity and faithlessness. Just how much faith do I still have today? Is HIM still the Master of my life today?

 

Oddly, it isn't though I still embrace my faith and live on holding on to the promises HE has written down for me in the WORD. I can't seem to get hold of HIM nowadays.....I am more easily defeated by tiredness of the physical body and discouragements of the downtimes in life (such as chronic health problems, and family unhappiness).

 

Going to this solo trip was to breathe in fresh air and rethink about my goals.

 

Just what am I supposed to do??????????????????????????????????????????? I have chosen to stay on in my job, a job which HE gave it to me, a job which I don't really have much passion for in true reality....when I mean *passion*, I mean those kind of things that make one's heart thrilled and jumped.

 

No, I don't dislike going to work or attend to the tasks at work, I just feel that I have lost that kind of passion I once had when I was working in ECG and SAC. That kind of passion drove me to give beyond my best, and think about how to make things work out better every moment, everywhere I go to....

 

Right now, I WISH I can also have that kind of heart to think about HOW to make things better at 3ds, how to recruit more students, how to run the school system better etc etc.....but I just don't have that kind of heart....and this is irritating and frustrating me..

 

Was the 2nd Graduation Ceremony today. Sitting among students, I feel like an extra person, feel like an odd one out. In fact, I feel like an odd one out everywhere I go to and this is, in plain language, killing me silently and slowly. Since young, I felt I have to fight through life's battles alone and 28 years later, I am still feeling this, except that HE has come into my life and my decisions have to be entrusted to his hands at times....(Yes, I am supposed to entrust everything to his hands at all times, but no, there have been times I am rebellious and chose my way- is all about being able to take the consequences)

 

The sun is shining at me now as I am typing this at T1, Pacific Coffee. The same sun that shone on me in Perth feels so different, so much warmer.

 

My heart feels cold, has been feeling cold ever since I left SAC last Aug. What can I do to revive my heart? Am I simply asking too much and expecting too much from my heart?

 

Maybe I am just not grateful enough. Isn't HIM alone enough for me to be happy with? Isn't the beautiful and amazingness of life itself sufficient to woo me over to joy?

Or maybe I really need to find someone to share my life with....

 

This question of growing old alone sinks in once in a while...hearing your best friends getting married and having a new direction and responsibility in life makes me feel like 'Is this all to life'? Is getting married and having a family all it matters in life? Not for me certainly....I wanna build a kingdom of hearts, a kingdom of beautiful hearts where everyone can be happy, the lost can be reached, the needy can be given, the poor can be rich.

 

But all this saying and doing nothing much irks me. I am unsure of what I should actually set up now, though I am very sure i wanna set up my own company.

 

Again, it is back to being being alone in walking this route of less-travelled. But I won't give up, that's why I have to keep writing to keep my dreams alive and remind myself that everything is possible in HIS kingdom.

 

I hate solitude, but solitude can be beautiful....and if, if it really is such that I have to continue building my dreams alone, I pray for that heart to be joyful and giving NO matter what happens.

 

Really, I get tired of being outcast, being weird minded nowadays. A simple gesture of advocating for 'Green living' earns me nothing but skepticism. I am hurt by this incident and am still wondering if I should continue to advocate for goodness in life....

 

Everything seems to be out of control to such a large extent that there is NOWAY out for everyone or anything in this present age.

 

Which is why I feel again so LOST and out of the world and has nowhere to go to.....

 

Like the characters in Jimmy's works, I hope to find a light out of the darkness I am in right now (I know I will find it, it just takes a little while), I do hope that something can happen in the place we are living in so that we can all learn more about gratitude and protecting the place we live in, including every creature and fellow human being.

 

They say that Chinese are selfish people, am I?