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September 17 Backdated diariesThese are some the entries I wrote in the months of April onwards, thought that they made a difference in life so here they are:
Date: 20th April
Dear God, how fast time flies & it's middle of April now. 7 mths down to almost 2 years at SAC, why not persevere?
Lord God, I feel LOUSY for not relying on u in terms of controlling my anger & frustrations at work. It really disillusionised me to know that I've to fit in the ugly realms of the world-to be self seeking & deceitful.
Perhaps it's too strong a word?
Oh God, only Para will understand me now. I pray for her to be happier at AWWA.
Jesus thirsts for righteousness-at the temple. Lord God, can I ever make a difference in the charity world?
Why am I so persistent in pursuing this?
I must remember to do everything for your name, God. I know that people at work see you thru me. I pray for Lydia to be open to you.
Arrh...many times I just don't wana love anyone else except myself.
BUT the joy of making others happy is a treasure worth not even a million bucks.
.............................
Truly deeply madly in love with wanting to make this world a warmer place. Teach me God, show me directions as to where to go from here.
Date: 19th April
I'm feeling wretched myself. Why? Becos of my ugly thoughts-to put Dad in a home & not want to take care of him when he is sick and weak one day.
Dear God, reading Judy's story (No wonder they call HIm Savior Chapter 6) saddens me. I catch a glimpse of myself at 38-who is goinna be there for me then?
I pray for my single sisters in church today. Bless their hearts with joy & hope.
I pray for the lonely people of this world today, for the broken hearts, for those hurt & unloved.
We live in a cruel cold world, don't we?
Why Father, my heart still aches today becos of what happened in Bro's marriage...I yearn for reconciliation-where my parents can be happy seeing Bro & Joanne together.
Lost in lifeThe day I was stranded....
Dear God, here I am, sitting in front of the PC instead of being in church today.....woke up unwell with eyes so tired, throat tight, like something stuck there. I hate this kind of feeling being ill....
BUT, amidst all such trial times, I am glad and happy to say I am alive today. Alive for the fact that I know what my life is all about. At age 27, while the rest of the world struggles and grapples with daily identity issues, and hence finding temporary solutions to gain self-worth/confidence in outward beauty-though nothing wrong to look nice (that's why u see comestics and beauty salons blooming in their businesses). but am so upset about the norm mindsets towards outward appearance nowadays-urrgh, all the slimming ads irks me
I am who HE created me to be; to find out my meaning in life through a life of being helped by others and helping others.
I am sad however with certain things at home that will never change; the negativity at home displayed by my parents really discouraged me (to go home-hence work becomes so addictive). It saddens me, as I wonder how can I help my folks at home who see life now as a 'waiting game for Death to knock on their doors'.
Does my knowing God help them? (This is a question I been asking myself)-and clearly it shows lack of faith. How can I help them know God, know the promises of heaven?
I don't know.....I feel down today, and am struggling with the job which I should be taking (NYC???). Can't I rely on HIM? Can't I trust HIM more?
Actually I feel down more of because I am so upset that the rest of the world don't even know what stability means, don't even have the most basic needs in life while I can enjoy luxury products, and go to church and have fellowship with God and my friends in christ.
THere must be something more I can do....
BUt here I am, still unable to do anything big or meaningful other than typing out my frustrations towards this world...
I pray for this wretched world. |
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