I like Phantom of the Opera for the beauty of Phantom. Most audience see him as a tragic and ugly character in this play, BUT, I see it otherwise.

 

I had the chance to watch it in Melbourne sometime back, already bought a ticket, and did not go due to some funny incident.....and I better not say it....only Pei knows about it.

 

But I believe, I believe one day I shall be able to watch it with someone who admires him as much as I do.

 

Decided to return to life today. Suddenly, HE just spoke to me quietly as I run out of tears in my prayers. HE said: 'Just continue your dreams and love everything around you, be it good or negative feelings for everything I have is beautiful'.

 

Came back from Tokyo fired up with Green Tea Ice Cream and non spicy curry. So, I actually cooked a curry chicken dish using Jap curry powder today. Cooked it with heart, soul,mind and strength for my parents and sian.

 

When I let Sian tasted a mouthful of it, she wanted more, she actually liked, for the 1st time the food I cooked.......

 

So, this is life, a life which I have forgotten how to live to its fullest. I have been focusing so much on my work, coping with situations in my job, desiring nothing but work idealism and perfectionism that I have neglected the more important things in life.

 

Slowly, I am learning how to enjoy my relationships which I have invested in all these years. Friendships with Pei, with TK friends, with ex-colleagues, with current new friends like Kent, whom I kind of like him for his persevering spirit:)

Ziyun and Liqin are friends who are special to me too.

 

Decided to spend my whole day at home today.....I have not spent a whole day at home since 1 year ago.......except for days I was sick...

 

Home, I have to find a new meaning to what home can mean. Buying the ingredients needed to cook this pot of curry wasn't as easy as I thought. The process of finding the right potatoes, the right capsicums, the right meat and curry sauce was even harder than admin work. On my own, I gathered whatever fragments of memory I had about cooking and marinating and started peeling the potatoes, boiled them, cutting each capsicum in equal cube-like shapes, and stir frying them and lastly adding the chicken meat (which I took some time to wash and clean and remove the oil....). Finally, adding in the curry powder and letting the pot of meat and vegetables boil together in this special curry.....

 

I am re-learning how to breathe, how to enjoy watching TV (been watching it because I was stuck at home...nowhere to sit), how to call my parents, how to ask them how they are, how to read my old books (dug out a book on How to fight for Joy), how to use the internet (instead of browsing endlessly on jobs I like but impossible to be shortlisted for), how to sms a friend, how to say kind words, how to enjoy life simply............

 

I love to think deeply and meditate on every sight I see on my way home, to work.

 

I kept wondering are people truly happy and if not, what else do they need?

 

Actually, the key to happiness has always been with me, just that I have forgotten where I have placed it in......I found it, again today, and though I may lose it again, I know I will find it again.

 

My key to happiness is where my heart is; I just want to lead a pure and free life.....

 

My next renewed goal is to find a place to volunteer in, and I am thinking of my 29th birthday concert already, and have targeted Room to Read and MSF as my chosen NGOs to help promote their causes.

 

Thinking of these make me excited, and more excited than being with the person I am fond of for the past 6 months....

 

well, he always said; Leave it to HIM, and yes, will just leave it to HIM.

 

 

 

 

Suddenly feel like recording down what I have actually done for society all these years.....(since I am feeling so insecure nowadays). When he told me to accept other's help after I have helped others so much, at that moment, I could not really comprehend that I have really helped others.....strangely I do not feel so....

 

When I was 11

I washed my family clothes and took care of all the chores upon sis's birth. I helped my mom wash clothes using my plain hands (even as the detergent dried my hands). I cooked for sian, brought her to school, to outings, shared with her everything I had then (my time). I shed my tears for her out of desperation when I could not cope when she did not stop crying for mom whenever there were only me and sis at home.

I almost lost my mind then.

 

When I was in TKGuides

I learnt so much about self-sacrificial and being considerate to others in Outward Bound. In the leadership camp in Sec 3, I sheltered my juniors while we were all trying to prevent the cooking fire from dimming in the rain. I allowed rain to hit my hair and body while I protect my juniors.

 

I had fun designing flyers for our Bake and Raise funds day selling handmade cookies to raise funds for the Chesire Home (a project part of guiding activities). I fell in love with fund raising then, now that I realise........

 

When I was in NTU

Eczema killed my soul in year 1. I was like 'Ah-Hao' in 'Ah Wang TVB drama part 2'. She has a set of very ugly teeth and an ugly chin....but she has the purest hearts of all characters. I like her. She reminded me so much of my days in NTU year 1. I shun away from friends, avoid crowds, just waiting to finish year 3 and woke up daily with no light in my future (I knew very clearly then I DO NOT want to work in the corporate world....but why did I even end up studying business? mainly because I did not bother to take time to venture into other non-conventional areas)

Went to NTU because of Peiyi, Lijun and Weiping.....my best friends in TK....

 

Joined NTU Welfare Service Club. Got to know Jaclyn, Dunmin, Siew Kim and a few other nice guys and gals. But was not too committed too. But still I spent a year visiting Swami Home every saturday afternoon.....knowing Auntie Ah Heok was one of the best memories then and I was so touched by her Ang Pao....I regretted not being by her side when she passed away.....

 

that night when I knew she passed on, I prayed and cried hard for her.....I think I really Loved her.....

 

Involved in a few projects then...(Red Nose day at Suntec....event for handicapped), visited AWWA home and wrapped gifts for the elderly.....

 

When I graduated

Joined HOPE worldwide Singapore serving as HOPE rep for East region.....coordinated a few events here and there...

 

Fanatically pursued my first job in NYAA and failed....(Aileen was already very nice, but I must say her authoritative style shuts me off). It was a good try, and I was asked to leave due to the incompatibility of skills and nature of job. I was upset, but only for a while.

 

Then was recommended by Dr Vasoo to AMK FSC. I thought it was a gift from God then.

 

Served in the Student Care Centre for 6 months until Sinus and low job morale led me to quit......Sinus with Eczema almost buried me.....(remembered I was killed once before?)

Thank God I already knew him then and with the support of friends, it was not that hard to live on...though many times, I cried until there were no more tears left......(at age 24, I was invalid, unable to do many things, and financially burdened with a huge study loan to clear....$15,000 awaiting me to clear.....)

I swear I had been more than a childcare teacher to the kids, I wrote them cards, taught them values, loved them...prayed for Bentley, the naughtest kid in the class....

I gave my heart to their parents too....

 

Moved on to Epilepsy Care Group after I was much better (3 full months of daily nose block and mucus...yucks, sorry I just had to keep repeating this because it was more than nightmare.....my soul, spirit was crumbled....).

 

Was disappointed by the way programs were run, funds not fully utilised etc....and it did not help to be the only FT staff besides the director.....but I swear I gave more than 200% there......I loved the people there, Sally, Elizabeth, Poh Choo....and even Keng Hwee.

I helped bring in a few good members who offer their help more, they liked me too.....I was a good coordinator who knew poeple's hearts and empathise with them...

 

When I was mid-20s

 

After ECG came a series of unknown.

Went on to serve in Swami, but ended shortly because of mismatch of skills and by now, I am certain I am not CUT out to do direct social work.....

 

SAC came by in a surprise, I love what Trevor did and wish to work for him....read so much about him in the papers then.......1/1/2 years at SAC was a combination of heaven and hell.

I loved the autonomy to run the centre, run projects, coordinate with volunteers, donors, within Trevor's guidance. Both of us were great partners at work......I still love him now but in a different way.....

 

though our ideals differ, we like each other's style and this is what it happens....and most of all, we call each other Friends.....true friends who say the most real stuff...

 

At SAC, I gave more than 200%.....I gave my life just to do what is needed to promote the objectives of the centre and to utilise the funds. Many times, I worked overtime, I worked when I was sick, I worked when there was no salary, I worked when there was no recognition, I worked when there were no colleagues, I worked when people hurt me, I worked when I was weary, I worked when the youths do not appreciate me.....

 

all because I loved what the centre is.

 

When I was lost

Heaven reached out to me through Sen.

 

I fell in love with 3dsense after my first meeting with Sen, and I still am daily inspired by stories of graduates whose dreams have come true....(but I can feel my dreams drifting away....)

 

 

Along the journey above, I did many other things to help others

- I organised outing for elderly, at my own expenses

-I held a charity concert during my 28th birthday

-I organised a big scale musical concert that brought different youth groups together to raise funds for ECG in 2004

-I held a memorial gallery for Glenn when he passed on....at my own expenses

-I made cards for friends, wrote verses to encourage many sisters in church

-I visited Shumei in IMH despite my own struggles faithfully....I loved her

-I forgave my Dad though he hurt us(me) deeply

-to help Trevor, I worked overtime, bearing insults.....

-to help everyone at 3dsense, I took on admin work as much as i hate it, i came back to work voluntarily on some weekends, after CGO etc....i gave my heart as usual

 

and many others.....

 

Probably the only things I should have done more are to fast more and pray and meditate more.....on God's words....

 

Thank you God, for all the above things I have done.....and I can say they were all done out of Love, love for you and for people....

 

 

It's time.

 

Before Toyko, I had wanted to give up....

 

After Tokyo, my heart is telling me to go against pragmatism and be real.....Stayed because of friendships, and because of fear. I really have no wish to go out there to face hurts and disappointments again. But most truthfully, stayed because I thought I really like the school and did really envision about being around when Sen reaches 53...

 

BUT, after a series of incidents these 7 days,  my heart and mind feel..............

 

My heart feels wounded even more after the trip and after these 2 months of changes at work. And I hate myself for being unreal about how I truly feel simply because I wanna be nice and make things work out for everyone. Most importantly, I did it for both of my brothers here.

 

I am fond of him, but I cannot forget the hurting words and mocking at the way I am. Why can't people just accept me for who I am?

 

What do I really want to do?

 

The Creator gave me a heart to seek life's meaning, and gave me a heart to pursue life in its purest form such that money has little attraction for me in everything I do. I am glad to still have this heart, just that it needs a little pump and ventilation.

 

 

主, 授予我平静的心,
让我接受我无法改变的事,
勇气去改变我能改变的事,
和智慧知道区别。
- 祈祷的手

Yes. I need this prayer so much.....

身为人类，我们都是习惯的生物。不幸的是，许多人有的都是恶习。当原有的事物一直持续时，有些人会觉得沉闷无趣；大多数人却害怕改变，甚至全身心都抗拒事物的改变。我们也是极端的生物。True, humans (I) am resistent to changes....

我们都会害怕，而最害怕的就是未知。保持不变和作出改变都需要勇气。虽然许多人明白作出改变需要勇气，但他们却无法洞察保持不变（譬如戒律）同样需要勇气。为何如此？只因信守戒律需要坚持的勇气，不管到最后能否达致成功，都要坚持信守下去。当我们来到必须作决定的十字路口，往往会倾向两条极端相反的道路。为了生存而改变，或为了灭亡而维持现状，好个吊诡的两极论，不是吗？我们都讨厌这样的处境，久而久之便形成漫不经心或袖手旁观的消极态度。

我们宁可让别人来代为我们作决定，面对责任或结果时却束手无策。这么做，至少我们可以埋怨别人或其他事物。遇到生命中的逆境，我们渴望能破茧而出或跨过难关。然而，很少人能如愿…………因为我们喜爱玫瑰的芬芳，却抗拒她的刺；我们要观赏星辰，却不肯待在黑暗中；我们要到天堂享乐，却不愿死亡。这就是简单的真理。

人生不是自助餐；它只是一道菜肴，而你得全盘接受，与之共处。我们要适应它，有什么就物尽其用。抱怨、哀叹和悲诉都于事无补。欲烹调出美味又营养均衡的菜式，需要大量的智慧，及一抹乍闪的信念。向前进，凭着改变与遵行戒律这两项行动，我们将能踏入突破的领域。我们只须想通何时做好我们本该做的事。认清所应遵行的价值观 -是作出改变或维持现状。它让男孩蜕变成男人、女孩蜕变成女人；平凡之辈蜕变成杰出人士。许多人总爱追究生命的真谛，对我来说，它的答案就是――依据每个人独特的宿命天责，让生活过得精彩充实。若你还没找到自己真正的天意，不要紧，只要你有恒心继续寻找；若你找到了，请改变那些拦阻在你面前的事物。至于应该保持的，请你专心致志的坚持下去。

热爱生命，服务大众，我敢保证你必能领会到，原來割毒瘤并非如想象中那麽恐怖；你甚至有可能享受它，因为你已找到了自已。

To think I have actually realise my purpose in life.....

 

Never really fancy Winnie the Pooh very much....

 

We had a long walk to Polygon Pictures Studio.....(well I really had a hunch, a strong one that we were walking in the wrong direction when we stpped out of the JR station...., but due to my insecurity that noone ever listens much to what I have to say anyway, I did not voice up strongly and insist on it and allow the guys to lead the way).

 

True enough, we were on the opposite direction....poor John sweat so much because of my not speaking up.

 

 

Polygon Pictures Studio is also another chic place, and the dark walls made it a bit hard to walk (and see)....I kept thinking will the drakness affect the Artists' eyesights?

They have a small make-shift pantry and there was a keyboard (2nd hand one) in this resting/hang out area for staff to chill out....cool....

 There was also an area where the staff HANG their bicycles....HANG....literally....Sen was so impressed that I could sense he wished in his heart we could have one in our office too.....

 The meeting at Polygon Pictures went on for a while...the guys talked about Siggraph, CGO 08....blar blar...(not that we aren't keen to hear, but we always end up as just Vases in such meetings.....one time at SES was enough.....I felt rather stupid then)

 

Anyway, we left Polygon Pictures at 1pm. I managed to have a nice chat with that talk ang moh guy who spoke fondly of his Seoul trip....he's a nice guy who printed out an English subway map for us.

 

Research....this is one of those trips I did not even do any research.....I went because Sen & Justin hoped I could go, they felt it would be good for me., went because I did not wish to be seen a spoiltspot, odd one out....it's all because of pleasing people. (but not to mean I regret going)

 

We had lunch at a ramen shop near to Polygon Pictures....and somehow I was being made fun of again (probably no1 knew I was hurt when comments on my weird diet and choice of ideas.....)

 

So to not make everyone unhappy, I chose to roam the streets of Tokyo alone and parted ways at Hiro-e station with the rest (whom are all going to Akihibara).

 

Lost again, unsure where to go, I just casually flipped a guide book at the station and decided to visit Ikebukuro where there is an Aquarium and a Metropolitan Museum.

And as usual, like what I will encounter in Singapore on a weekly basis, 2 foreign guys came up to me and asked me for directions to the airport......

 

Had a fun trip at Ikebukuro and went to Sunshine City, stumbled upon a shop selling a LOT of stuff from Studio Ghibli animes. I bought a Totoro Diary and Laputa Diary for Pei and myself, a Totoro hand fan, a bracelet....cost me $3800plus yen....

 

 

Went back to hotel to meet Chiu and gang for dinner....bumped into Shiyun at lobby and it was at this moment our hearts opened to one another and slowly we share more and more things.....I went over to her room, saw the Daily Bread on the clutter of things, and a New Testament small bible....

 

Suddenly felt great to have a sister-in-christ to share my thoughts with or rather for her to inspire me.....

 

My impression of her changes vastly (all I heard from Diana is she is a very fortunate woman, wealthy and got to pursue her dream of being an Artist, won awards, recognised etc etc...and have many to love her for who she is....)....Envious?

not really, I believe she has her own struggles too.......

 

Her forthrightness and big heart warmed my cold heart and made me rethink about my relationship with God at that moment......

 

I am beginning to like my new sister-in-law.....(sworn bro, is it ok to call her so?)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks to Kent, we made our way to Tokyo Game Show- the main reason why we were in Japan. TGS turned out to be more interesting than I thought. With a just-go-along attitude, I played some games and realise for a moment why so many people are fanatic about computer games......

 

There were a total of 8 halls, and the crowd was passable, with at least sufficient walking space and finally some bit of air amidst the congested air we had been breathing in Shinjuku, the area we stayed in. The Bigger game companies were all trying to vie for potential customers by some of their 'lethal' weapons like cute gals in revealing clothings, giantic screens showing previews of their latest games, agressive sales staff that kept encouraging plain and ignorant audience like me to try out their games....

 

The Xbox booth attracted me a bit with their unique design, using CD boxes that were joined together in the shape of a chinese lantern....the apple green color tone of the booth area brought out a fresh air of design and enlightened me in particular. (But many of their games cannot make it.........in my humble opinion).

 

Overall, the amount of $$$investment and time taken to design each booth makes me again sulk at Singapore's tradeshows and exhibitions.....too corporate, too plain, too dull, too conservative....

 

And John went around collecting Fans from different booths, whil Chiu and me took turns to be his 'partner' in playing.....

 

I like fantasy RPG games, but I think I still enjoy being a super hero in the real world.......already there are more than enough chaos and battles waiting for me to tackle in real life, why waste my time in front of the virtual world?:) again, it's just one of those ideals I embrace which no1 else around me thinks the same.

 

And the feminist side in me is forever asking myself why are women, sex and lust used in product promotion and publicity gimmicks? Do all men really get turned on only by lust? Why can't a man looks at a woman pure-heartedly???

WHY???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

 

So for a while again, I felt LOST, LOST because I find myself a misfit in the situation I am in right now. Neither here nor there, neither passionate nor cold. How do I describe it?

 

we had dinner with Kent after he ended work....and suddenly I found myself being stuck in a verbal war between him, me and Justin.....well yes yes, I admit defeat to a certain extent....

 

but we had fun just provoking each other.....afterall, I cannot foresee other chances of doing so in future...

 

 

Back from Tokyo trip with 3dsense.

 

Did I enjoy the trip? Yes and No.....Yes, because I really threw work out of my mind and all my worries seem to disappear (or rather I cast them out temporarily). No because the trip made me realise how far I am away from the standards of this world which again set me into a mode of pessimism and insecurity.

 

 

But I really hate being labeled as Dark and Negative. Now, what's wrong with being negative at times when one is feeling down? God did not promise life to be rosy every minute too.....did I not do my best at work? why are some people trying to change the way I think and feel? Am I not a human being to cry and lose hope? Even Jesus wept at the garden of Gesathame, and cried out on his cruxificion on why God has forsaken him?

 

Why isn't anyone understanding where I came from, where I wana be and where I am at?

 

Seeing Kent for the 1st time, and hearing from him how much he has gone through (wasted time and $ on education) to where he is now, with his longtime dream fulfilled inspired me, in fact aroused some envy (and admiration) in my heart towards him. How I wish I can one day have my own dreams fulfilled......

 

Square Enix was a chic place, with nicely decorated interior, neat and classy. We all wish one day 3dsense can be as chic and posh.

  

As usual, I chose the side bed (the extra one) nearest to the door (though if given a choice, I wont want to sleep by the door and below the aircon), because of duty, and feelings. I have to be nice as an elder sister, being oldest. But well, I slept quite well throughout the 6 nights....with only 1 night of bad dream...

 

Many times, I probably done so much of these that life becomes too much of an obligation. And it's true, as I grow older, my obligations increase. Mom asked me to share a name to buy a flat with San-Yi, and after thinking through, I agreed. San-Yi has helped us so much and given us so much love and financial help during our needy times, I HAVE to help her.

 

Now, buying a HDB flat is really something I never really wanted to.....I mean it when I always say I wanna roam the world and the world shall be my Home.

 

Thus, I have to rethink about my own plans. As much as I daydream constantly on quitting a stable FT job and just go and sell ice cream at Ben & Jerry's, and at the same time do lots of community work (to get my heart back), I cant just pursue what I really like and ignore my family's needs.

 

Urghh....Obligations. We all hate them, but we (I) will be dealing with them until the day I pass on.....

 

With a heart trapped still, I have to brace myself and prepare my mind for work again tomorrow....and the battles are not going to be easy....there are still some issues I have yet to overcome at work, at home and in Faith...

 

And mine, there will be at least 5 weddings to attend till year ends....while I am happy for new couples, my heart sank and cries profusely whenever I put myself in Joanne's shoes...

 

In fact, I spent 20 minutes crying for her this afternoon....

 

Am always caught in situations I do not know how to handle. Why is it that school did not teach me all these things?

  

Reading Sister Teresa's letters and cries for God in Times ached my heart. Something just touched my heart as I align my feelings to hers. Feelings of being alone, seeing nothing but darkness, feeling nothing buy emptiness.

Imagine me a child of God writing such feelings......

 

It is normal, to struggle, and I've learnt to accept I am not a Saint, or am I God or superhero to change the world. Slowly, I see humanity so much clearer.

'

Seeing the foreign workers out on sundays always gave me a nice feeling....a feeling to be grateful for Who I Am, What I have (family, health, education, freedom, brains....). Looking at China girls who work as cleaners in the airport always made me feel pity for them, but again thankful for my job, no matter how difficult certain moments are...(especially now). I just can't stop thinking what will happen if they can go through the same education too? Why are they being deprived of the chance to lead the growing up life I had?

 

Childhood was most pleasant and teenage years were memorable, and hurting. But, these experiences made me wanna seek the truth and the purpose in Life so much more than my peers.

 

Today, I do not have to be a slave of $ and material goods. A simple Nokia 3330 is good enough for me. A brandless black sling bag that is ugly is just nice for me and my books. A pair of comfortable ballet shoes led me to all the wonders and silence of life. And a pair of mickey mouse earrings from HK Disneyland are the only accessories and jewellery I will ever want.

 

I don't even desire a HDB flat to live in.

 

Maybe I need to change my outlook to suit some people around me, but, I hold on to my beliefs that Life is to be simple and pure.

 

Actually in everything, every decision I have to make, I try to choose them according to simplicity and purity, and Truth. But slowly, I am affected by peer pressure and lose my inner soul.

 

My soul is empty and weak today, crying out for the Divine One, and I KNOW he hears me. I love speaking to Him facing a vast blue sky in front of Budget Terminal, my soul felt so close to Him in St Paul's Church in NSW, my soul longs for a hug from Him who loves me for eternity and will give me the best in Heaven one day........

 

So even if life is to be singular, it should still be a happy one. So if life demands more of me to give and not receive, it should be a joyous one.

 

In some ways, I am burnt out from Giving. Were there times friends would ask me out first? Not regular, but I would always take the 1st step to invite someone out, treat someone, buy her/him gifts, write cards of encouragment, when I need these myself.....(but actually no need, i hate to keep things).

 

So, what kind and version of Outlook should I change to?

 

Or maybe I should just stick to HIS outlook; Love and Truth

  

Love simply means spending time and enjoying life's good and bad with my family and friends.....

 

and there are more important things to pursue....