Church going has sunk into a low point for me recent 3 months. Somehow, I know that I am in a danger zone of drifting further away from God and as much as I keep telling myself I aim to be more regular in committment, it gets harder to find real joy in attending services as before.

I have always been rebelious, sitting on the fence.

 

This is a character sin I hate about myself; playing a two-faced woman all my life. One moment I can act to be joyful, caring, patient, another moment, with a different crowd, I can be totally different; impatient (esp with family), unloving and lack of joy aka moody.

 

I am quite a pessimist, ya and Trevor always argue with me on this which I refuse to accept that there is this pragmatism and pessimism in me.

 

But truth is, I do feel lighter now as compared to the wandering days without God 7 years ago.

 

If you have the chance to read my diaries before my 21st birthday, you would literally see how much God has transformed my thinking. I never cared about anyone except myself in the past and thinking back, it chills me.

 

How could I have been so unfeeling?

 

'Whistle down the wind' will be one of the songs I will be singing in my mini fundraising concert next month. It clearly depicts how I find security in God.

 

I tried to smile and be happy in the MRT on my way to work today (in fact everyday I tried but many times, I chose to be moody). I want people to see the difference in my life, to see how God shines in my life.

 

But with less strength and more itch (eczema and whatever illness that is lingering in my health), I find it so tiring, so difficult to commit to anything now.

 

Even my eyes are getting itchy, what can I do?

 

Perhaps it is just time to have a good sleep....can I? haven't been able to sleep well since 6 months ago. Nightmares etc robbed me of the good rest needed.

 

And now, my only solace in jogging is ripped off because of my kneejoint pain....

 

WHY GOD WHY? haha, so many times we ask this question....

 

I don't need to know the answer, but I need the strength to continue life, and not just live as if I have eternal life on earth.

 

I want to live and love as if today is the last day....but I don't and can't feel so more and more......sinking into a routine, mandate motion which sucks. And I hate it yet I am lazy to move on...or rather, find it meaningless to strive as hard as before....

 

Just do my job at 3dsense loh....and get my salary....no need think too many ideas (though there are many in my head). Just lack the heart to push myself....

 

perhaps everyone goes through what I am going through......

 

anyhow, I pray for my friends in trouble, in pain, in disappointments to move on in life bravely.

 

I WANT TO BREAK FREE OF MY SINFUL NATURE!!!

 

Sin really hurts and breaks us away from God and people....

 

It is so tempting to find complete joy in completing tasks rather than in building relationships and giving love. But the latter will last for eternity while the former is very temporal....

 

If I work hard to love more, I believe I can impact many people after I die.....but if I work harder and more hours, it will only bring me temporary satisfaction...and some tangible rewards that will be wasted away in time to come.....

 

Thought about many things earlier, forgave Dad already, plan to bring mom to HK trip with 3rd aunt, joining Greenpeace to be an activist for envrionment, feeling upset about the destruction of the world and harm we bring to environment due to the plastic, and many other harmful materials we use that bring us temporal convenience and build laziness in us....

 

Arrgh....this world is demoralising!!!

 

I, still wanna do something....

 

How, what, when?

 

 

 

 

 

Always blown away by the simple phrase that says that to give love, we must first learn to receive love.

 

Channel 55 of Cable just finished screening the TVB drama, 'Ah Wong Xin Zhuan' (by Xuan Xuan and Guo Jin An). The ending episode really made me broke down. Tears simply flow non-stop from my weary eyes (after the 5 hours ride from KL). Was very touched by the one sentence Ah Feng (starred by Jessica Hester Hsuan) said to Ah Wong (Starred by Guo Jin An). In summary, the story is about Ah Feng who is Ah Wong's childhood only friend because Ah Wong is a mentally slow boy. Ah Wong grew to like Ah Feng very much while Ah Feng treats him as a best buddy with no romantic feelings. Due to an accident which resulted in Ah Wong having to go through a brain operation, Ah Feng promised to marry Ah Wong to motivate him to go through the surgery. He recovered and Ah Feng had to marry Ah Wong out of her promise and loyalty to Ah Wong. Ah Wong really loved Ah Feng a lot. However, Ah Feng has other suitors as well and eventually Ah Wong realise Ah feng doesn't love him but merely treat him nice because of their deep friendship. Ah Wong eventually let Ah Feng go and pursue her happiness-find a man of whom she truly loves. To not let down Ah Wong, Ah Feng left for America with her suitor.

 

And guess what, after 4 years, Ah Wong become a successful dumpling master (tang yuan) while Ah Feng is happily working in the states, yet single still. She reckon that Ah Wong is the one who loves her the best, and that her heart also yearns for him.

 

Yes, you're right, she returned to Hong Kong, her homeland and reunite with Ah Wong with a surprise. The last words really touched me...when Ah Wong asked Ah Feng why did she return to him? She answered him: '2 people who share the same wish should be together fiorever, and u know what, my wish since childhood was to be with you Ah Wong, happily forever....'

(the scene ended in a beautiful wild landscape where Ah Wong and Ah Feng used to play when they were children and there was a verse Ah Feng secretly wrote on the tree which Ah Wong drew both of them holding hands playing. The verse writes like this: 'My dream is to be live happily and be with Ah Wong forever.....'

 

So fairytale like.....

 

I wish I can love the way Ah Feng loved Ah Wong. She is so patient, kind and caring towards him even though he is slow and not at all handsome or talented in the eyes of men.

 

Only Jesus can love like this....

 

Sometimes friends around me find me awesome, to have the heart for the poor, needy, community. But really, I find myself getting more and more selfish.

 

But really, loving Siew Khim started not easy as well. It started with wanting to befriend her, hoping to share Christ with her. But eventually, I've grown to love her sincerely and genuinely (doesn't matter if she is not responsive to God now, the time with come). Her pain hurts me too and I wanna be there for her when she is down, upset, lost.

I read her blog earlier....she actually cut herself somewhere in mid 06! Upon reading this, it pains my heart....

 

So, I do wanna be a counselor afterall....not to look good, but simply to share my experiences of going through pain and disappointments and overcoming them.

 

It's not the best day or night today, 8th Jan. Didn't have a great day at work, headache, sudden surprise to see a new colleague (but glad to have), just thought it would be good if was informed earlier so as to be prepared to do some handover.....admin things were pretty messy (by me)

 

Anyhow, I pray for Yongquan to recover soon. He's a friend I would like to keep and grow in friendship with, as with many others.

 

reading chapter one of A Love Worth Giving again reminded me of the many things I have to do for my friends and family.....

washing their feet....

 

Appreciate God for appreciating me....

 

I've finally, slowly learnt to let go of some heart matters. Realised that sometimes, it is best to just keep that feeling and let it be buried. In any case, Love is supposed to be unconditional, needs no reciprocating, just need to keep loving....

 

This reminds me I need to stock up on valentine day's roses soon to give away....i love giving away flowers:)