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February 02 知足知足
怎么去拥有 一道彩虹 怎么去拥抱 一夏天的风 天上的星星 笑地上的人 总是不能懂 不能觉得足够 如果我爱上 你的笑容 要怎么收藏 要怎么拥有 如果你快乐 不是为我 会不会放手 其实才是拥有 当一阵风吹来 风筝飞上天空 为了你而祈祷 而祝福 而感动 终于你身影 消失在 人海尽头 才发现 笑着哭 最痛 那天你和我 那个山丘 那样的唱着 那一年的歌 那样的回忆 那么足够 足够我天天 都品尝着寂寞 当一阵风吹来 风筝飞上天空 为了你而祈祷 而祝福 而感动 终于你身影 消失在 人海尽头 才发现 笑着哭 最痛 如果我爱上 你的笑容 要怎么收藏 要怎么拥有 如果你快乐 不是为我 会不会放手 其实才是拥有 知足的快乐 叫我忍受心痛 知足的快乐 叫我忍受心痛 Fell in love with Mayday.....sing it with real feelings, a song seems so apt for how I really deeply feel inside.
Friends, 会不会放手 其实才是拥有; I am learning this, you should too.
January 17 Koi Ni OchiteKoi ni Ochite
Moshimo negai ga kanau nara
Darling, I want you aitakute
Daiyaru mawashite te wo tometa
If my wishes can be true
Darling, I need you dou shite mo
Daiyaru mawashite te wo tometa
Darling, you love me ima sugu ni
Daiyaru mawashite te wo tometa
Don't you remember January 06 倔強倔強 家人原来, 真的还是很难过.
失去了两位很好的朋友, 他们, 也是家人......
我要做什么才可以不想死去......躯体, 活着, 心却死了....
January 02 New Dreams原来, 梦想是可以实现的.....
经历过2个月的 流浪, 难过, 后悔, 我决定在为其他梦想努力.
1) Been saying I wana launch my own designer cards and posters and be a direct competitor of LOCUST, here is my chance
Deadline for submission: 18 Jan 08 (Creative Talent Fund) cool!
2) Sell Damien's flour toys at NLB pushcart; as usual, no1 at home supports me....well, I will just give it a shot, at least Damien supports!
Date: 7 - 11 Jan 2008
3) Continue to pursue a job at an IO (international NGO). Thanks Jonathan!
Greenpeace is next.......Alice is so nice to intro me...pray....to have another chance
4) My 29th birthday concert......sent a request to SDU to hold a joint event with them, create opportunities to link singles together....
I always wana help singles who have no time or chance to find their soulmates.....
These will keep me very busy for the next few weeks.....
So, I realise it is still a large part of me to wana help people.....in whatever ways, I wana help, desire, yearn to make people happy.
Tis, is my true calling.
I wana be like Little Prince. Les Miserables: On my ownEPONINE SINGS
And now I'm all alone again Nowhere to go no one to turn to, Did not want your money sir I came out here coz i was told to And now the night is near Now I can make believe he's here. Sometimes I walk alone at night When everybody else is sleeping I think of him and then I'm happy With the company I'm keeping The city goes to bed And I can live inside my head. On my own Pretending he's beside me All alone, I walk with him till morning Without him I feel his arms around me And when I lose my way I close my eyes And he has found me In the rain the pavement shines like silver All the lights are misty in the river In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight And all I see is him and me for ever and forever And I know it's only in my mind That I'm talking to myself and not to him And although I know that he is blind Still I say, there's a way for us I love him But when the night is over He is gone, the river's just a river Without him the world around me changes The trees are bare and everywhere The streets are full of strangers I love him But every day I'm learning All my life I've only been pretending Without me his world will go on turning A world that's full of happiness That I have never known! I love him I love him I love him But only on my own. Dealing with rejections for a job, for a friendship: It's all part and parcel of life. You may feel very sad, depressed and upset when your feelings are rejected, but ten years down the road, you might just look back at these episodes and laugh at how silly it all was!
Suddenly feel like starting a support group for people who are going through unrequited love..... January 01 情深說話未曾講仍然在遠方 追我夢與想 繼續壞念你 卻又這麼漫長 從前未會想 感覺是雙方 你若燃亮我 我亦要懂得釋放 *過去每日同路往 不懂珍惜那些境況 這晚我獨來獨往 卻是太後悔浪費共對時光* @你這剎那在何方 我有說話未曾講 如何能連繫上 與你再相伴在旁 愛意要是沒回響 世界與我又何干 原來仍然是你 叫我永不斷自強 如晨光 前途獨個闖 溫暖是夢想 每日來又往 也像隔一道牆 回頭又再想 心裏漸奔放 你若能會意 掛念已找到方向 Repeat * @ @ Love Affair with Airport: Part 1Am not really looking forward for the opening of Terminal 3...i mean, official opening. This would mean 1 place lesser for me to seek refuge when I need time with God, time with self....
But again, over the year, my 'love' affair with Changi Airport has grew from a crush to a deep friendship. She knows the deepest of my heart, my sorrows, my desires, my dreams, my flaws, and my goodness etc....
She hears me whenever I need a listening ear, at anytime of the day, month.
And she is the only one thus far to know me by heart, my needs, my emotions, my strengths, my weaknesses, my faith....She has unknowingly opened up the lock to my 'hardened' heart; a heart that did not believe in myself.
She believed in me, more than I believed in myself.
I actually MISS her if I don't visit her at least once a week.
But now, I am unable to visit her again, not like before.
Because I need to move on. She reminds me of a friend, a dear friend whom I shared many enjoyable memories of 2007 with. And it has always been a dream to find a friend like such, who pushes me when needed, inspires me naturally, scolds me for my own improvement, and cares for me like family, and knows my heart without me saying out how it feels....
We happen to share the same 'love' towards her.....
Who would not want such a friend to stay by her side forever? Wishing and having it fulfilled are always 2 different matters, just like how the Skies and Oceans are separated, day and night, light and darkness.....
Day & Night by 'Janice Wei Lan' is my favourite CD these days.
*When I'm feeling blue
Lost without a clue Sparks between our eyes Nothing can be as true Sing my life for you Paintings that I drew One plus one makes two How I wish to caress you Tell me where we're heading to What we do may seem so crude Where's the good in our goodbyes The time you leaves's The time you break my heart in two #Even though we're far apart Send my love with all my heart When you(I) miss me(you) at night Look at the stars shining bright For the time you pulled me through All the things I do for you Running tears from my eyes Thinking how will I survive next goodbye Repeat * # # December 28 是非题范玮琪 - 是非题每段故事都有一篇剧情 December 25 Merry ChristmasIt's funny I also got into the mood of sending mass smses on MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Tis the power of technology; MSN< SMS<FACEBOOK (i recently had no choice but went to to become a customer...becos need to access an event via Facebook).
Facebook is great, connects us with friends, but, I am a more traditional person; instead of sending e-hugs, or e-gifts.....i would rather deliver tangible real gifts.
It's 230am at Terminal 1. This is one of my homes and refuge whenever I feel suffocated from the challenges of life. As said before, airport gives joy, because i see all happy faces here as people travel.
I have been overnights at the airport for many times, and everytime I am here, I learnt something new. And the many behind the scenes sights one usually will not notice as a normal traveller.
I see security guards buying coffee to last them thru the night, see night-shift workers at the Check in booths, busy with work, when the rest of the world are tucked away in bed.
Why did I come here? because I wana have a different Christmas, different attitude. I hear God's voice clear and loud here, and if I need to cry, I can do so without fearing my family finds out. I never cry in front of them anymore since I grown up. Because I do not wish them to see me upset.
It is rather challenging these few weeks, trying to be happy in front of them, and struggling in my own lost in direction and meaning in life, battlling with some friendship issues too.
Friends, I realise I can't do without you more and more; it's great sign, because I am used to eat alone, watch movies alone, travel alone, cry alone, pray alone, shop alone...........
Arghh, actually I do not like to be alone. I like to be part of a team, a group in which we all move towards a similar direction. But Scott Peck said before; 'The road less travelled is lonely'.........certainly it has been a lonely path for me since I left NTU campus group.
Devotionals at NTU North Spine remained one of my best memories of NTU days. Girl Guiding days at TKGS were always sweet, though tough. Today is Weiping's wedding......I could not pull myself to attend another wedding because I am suffering from 'wedding phobia'. Really, am not kidding you or self.
Attending a recent one of my ex-boss's took me a few days' self persuasion, and love. I love him and his wife, so I wana go. (Not saying I dun love Weiping, but my body felt sick too earlier......)
I hope to see a counselor in time to come when I have more financial stability because I need to overcome my phobia. We all have such phobias, don't we?
My body has been receiving bad treatment from me; I feed it bread (flour and sugar), plus caffeine, plus heartburns, and heartaches these 2 months.
I better stop ill-treating my body; it is from God, I should take care of it.
Am getting concerned about my diet; I also lack the taste for good food this year actually. Many times, I survived with just bread and cup noodles, and lots of tea with milk.
Such diet can kill. I know......popping Vitamins also did not help much I believe.
So I treated myself to a fruitcake earlier....yucks, like rock, and sweet, but who believes I love sweet stuff? I do, but I have to give it a stop, or curfew....else I might get diabetes.
Been sleeping real late, 2plus, 3plus......and not wanting to wake up the next day. Been working only a few hours a day at Clementi doing menial job.
Decided to blog this out because I wana end this period of 'depression'; have not had a single day of true joy ever since I started work, simply because I laid high expectations and whenever I failed to meet them, I blame myself for not trying hard enough.
And I never felt really suitable for any job I took up.
My ideas are never short; in fact, I have different ideas on social enterprise constantly, and I do write them down, and submit for partnerships etc. And I never stop trying to find a place to give my time freely.
Started volunteering in a new area on sunday; yeah, I thought about becoming an editorial person 2 weeks ago, and I know my skills will not warrant me a job in this aspect, so I have to start from somewhere.
Am always proud of my zeal in midst of every low point in life. Sure, certain days I cry harder, and have no energy, but I try to really breakthrough all my life; simply because I believe.
I believe that hope is always around, and yes, while I am still upset about my failures, I believe these will convert to my success in future.
'For nothing is impossible with God'.
And I just wana thank all of you for being with me these weeks, these years, Trevor, Joanne, James, Pei of course.
Very happy to receive Huishan, siewkhim and Han's smses earlier; did not expect, so very glad to receive. This is why I always believe that thoughtful gifts, in surprise will cheer a person up.
I will continue to give gifts, hopefully I can produce my own designer cards soon............have bought almost all the cards available in the market, as a market research.
When I plan something, I will do it, fulfill it. God is my partner, only one, ever will be with me.
Merry Christmas to myself too:)
December 24 未曾经历 如何懂得经历 风浪 就 无畏人生 的黑暗与光明
非常喜欢 在CityHall的Citychain watch Ad. Have you noticed it? The black and white one with Andy Lau as model. 7 life's messages altogether.
It wow me.
Took a pen and notebook to recorded them down.
Been a while since I updated this blog. Been feeling some feelings I never dealt with before, so could not overcome them. But time is always an ally I suppose:)
In summary, I disappoint a friendship which inspired me so much for the past 1 year. A friendship I so appreciate but so bewildered by it.
<what really happened>
Christ's love is always from 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.
I thought I always function with this at back of my mind.
anyway, Merry Christmas to all! (actually the truth is Jesus was NOT born on 25th Dec.........according to biblical and historical truths)
我不知道我的未来在那里, 但我会更懂得珍惜.....
只因 2007 我浪费了很多时间,不过也是好的, 可以重新寻找自己.......................................................................................................
November 13 So this is itWhere do we (HE and I) go from here?
Going to HK to work is a desired goal, but again might not be a realised goal. Most of my dreams do not come true these days, no matter how hard I believed in it, worked hard for it, gave a heart and soul to it.....
Wrong method? Wrong dreams?
I envy women who simply loves minute work, knock off at 6pm sharp and dress up nice to go for dates later....why do I care so much in ensuring what I do aligns with my principles, which are from HIM?
Argh.....so this is it
Days of uncertainty, days where I do not wish to be around. Feel so intensely similar to Tennu in TALES FROM EARTHSEA.....her lonely song, bring an outcast.....so much to relate to her.
Hey hey, no more woes.....no more tears, bought a new cheap sale skirt yesterday for new start. Not again, new start every other year....how many 28s will I have?
To change: be less idealistic
November 11 When you wished upon a starMaybe it has just been a dream......
Watched The Golden Mickeys at Disneyland HK for a 3rd time and again walked away with a different spirit, inspired by 'When You Wished Upon a Star'.
Disneyland is not just some cute themepark to me; it means something else in life, it has directed the 1st half of my life and influenced me greatly in the decisions I have chosen in career.
Watching it with Pei, Sian, and another sister have been wonderful; HE has blessed me with a few soul-mates whom I think is enough.
I will be one of those 5 people many will be waiting in heaven for me, and one day I will tell each of these souls I meet in heaven what happened in the twist of fate and interwine of our lives. Shirleen said that we will be friends for eternal life. This sentence shocked me, yet assures me again that Heaven is where our souls belong to.
Then why have I been chasing after something that I don't belong to and which doesnt belong to me? Job satisfaction, so-called dreams.
My dream should be one that is after God's heart, that is God inspired. HE knows my heart, he knows I am lost, HE knows I am not being true to my life and my loved ones, HE knows I need to move on, HE knows I am able to move on despite the wounds within my softened heart now.
Pain is inevitable, I am not even afraid of physical pain anymore (it's funny how I developed itch and rashes out of sudden when I arrived immediately in Changi Airport today.....A test?). The itch was unbearable, but but, I pulled through it.
I know HE will help me out.
A journey of weariness, negativity in 2007....time to end it, time to go out and recover my heart and soul and love for life. HE will guide me, I will do it.
When you wished upon a star, dreams come true
They really will.
My wish was/has been/is/still will be simple: I want to be help myself and others find peace and joy. October 13 離家出走離家出走Janice 離家出走 作曲：雷頌德 填詞：林夕 編曲：雷頌德 監製：雷頌德 豁出去漫遊 不通知親友 那快感少有 哪管想去多久 抱得你未夠 於這裡悶透 才誓死跟你 逛盡地球 何必每件壯舉都需要理由 伴你去出走 快活而內疚 不管舉世追究 願扣上你雙手 自繁華浪處到沙丘 戀愛 能有幸這樣放肆至足夠 別再管誰咒你 曾經荒謬闖蕩異地 亦未枉相戀超出煩惱的禁忌 視世上人不理 想早晚能見你 曾經反叛 也是我運氣 天與地 年老了不再飛 無那份勇氣 怕一世未能 沙礫中擁吻 有了你先有 這最淒美質感 縱使有地震 不因我犯禁 誰話你壞人 不減吸引 明知我做錯過的總要奉還 但我愛一眼 有自由浩嘆 都深刻過不散 讓你我似走犯 在窮途入教堂進諫 上帝 求你讓我共愛侶過更多晚 代價高仍愛你 曾經荒謬闖蕩異地 亦未枉相戀超出煩惱的禁忌 視世上人不理 想早晚能見你 曾經反叛也是我運氣 天與地 渡過約束 拋開生死 這樣也許了不起 但有一日轟烈乏味 就讓彼此都別戀他人也不忘記 別個再沒法比 瘋過後能放棄 回家安樂過亦有運氣 不顧忌 才了解喜與悲 能以後銘記 人有天總怕死 才註定別離 July 26 Paprika: my alter-egoPaprika is the name of a jap anime I just watched earlier. Very deep story....about how dreams can go too wild....scary.
Again, I fell into those days when I feel like a wafering stranger in this office, this home, this world....(but at back of my mind, I seem to have forgotten God is still my Father and I belong to Heaven one day....)
Wanted to write on the normal people around me tonite....(no specific order why they are in this 'list')
Dad: Always basing every action and thought on $. Scolded sis for being 'too generous' when she bought $11 worth of donut last nite. (but really, she's crazy to spend hard earned $ on her friends...i can't understand why she has to do this ALL the time, fancy her waking up at 5am to bake cakes for friends....???)
Bro: trying to get a MBA to climb higher the corporate ladder....(good for him but it's still hard for me to forget what happened between punggol & bedok, Oh God, not again....)
Diana: skeptical easily, and negative gal, but kind hearted like any other typical lady. laughs along with guys reading FHM, wishes to get married, goes for facial, make-up....(i'm gonna miss her a lot)
Justin: passion, focus, driven. aims to be the best entrepreneur and has proven in word and deeds....(but i can never understand what he really thinks....does it matter?)
Sen: happy-go-lucky....engrossed in his own world but happy in it. blessed with the support of family and loved ones to pursue his dream...(he's really not that kind of boss you'll meet in centuries to come...)
Kathy: another happy-go-lucky 30+ woman who is not fearful of anything, any grief....faces life bravely and enjoys life blissfully, hang out with friends, love Pasar Malam, shopping at times....so easily contented....(though not very educated, she's a mentor to me in life, and a great sis-in-christ)
Weilin: relates to almost every guy and gal in the whole world, or at least her world of pals. Has plenty of memories and fun with her bunch of buddies....never the missed one if there are parties or hang-outs. Amibitious yet good hearted (though she refused to admit)....she's a unique friend whom i can't be very close with but still we're quite dear in each other's life...
Shirleen: The one who gave me a new lease of life by showing me to God....ambitious in career, very down to earth nowadays, in fact overly earthly(worldly).....marriage seems not a topic in her life now, though there are issues to resolve....(i really wonder if she has truly loved him before....). Can't fit in much of her world now, but still, we're bonded by blood of Christ and always will be dear sisters.
I owe my life to her...in a big way
Trevor: another one of those you won't probably meet in another thousand years to come. Nice chap, sweet, kind, generous but weird....and $-focused on certain things (i still disagree with him that so what if a degree holder doesn't earn enough to get a creditcard...what's the BIG deal about a Creditcard?). Great pal, helped me when I was about to drown in my career path...but again, our worlds don't collide so much nowadays and in fact has never really touched before....
we're of the opposite poles
John: a bit maniac in his actions....chubby but plump. But intelligent guy he can be. we joke at times, but he shuts me off his world, and so do I....(now what's the point I reach out to him?....)
Edward: Work, play are both integrated. Enjoys his modelling, and City of Heroes. Goes home to see kid and wife after work....(well I thought he was a nice guy....but....that thursday men's night they had ruined my impression of him....)
But overall am blessed to have a cooperative colleague like him....everything i need, he gives me quick.
Maybe the closest friend who lives in my heart is only Pei. Same dream (different type), same age, same ideals, same status (single).....but in some ways, we are different totally too....
In sum, who can I really count on and feel I am part of? Not even my own family because Bedok is just a hotel I come back to....I hate walking the crowded lanes passing by the dirty smelly food centre....hate the Pasar Malam going on now....(WHY IS EVERY1 loving pasar malam? I hate them).
But it doesn't mean I don't love my parents. I love them, I respect them, I wanna take care of them....but i don't know how or what i can do better in my role as a daughter....
I just don't feel belonged to Singapore. I hate all Singaporean food, hate the weather, hate the mindsets, hate the shopping malls....
though i don't hate the government. I still respect PAP though certain policies are really seriously not working.
I hate the hypocrisy, I hate SQC when people aren't sincere or are fake in their emotions when servicing others....
At times, in fact many times I question myself so what good does it serve if I treat every caller like a friend SINCERELY? I am becoming just colder and colder now....
The 'Paprika' in me has melt away slowly due to disappointments and transformation by this world....scary world it is...
If I have the choice to choose, I wanna be free to feel anything for anyone....I just wanna be real and pure always.....(but i get upset whenever i feel why am i the ONLY one doing somethings.....and the rest just live through life happily???)
maybe i'm really 'chosen' to carry out his will.
June 22 Start anew lifewow, life is amazing at times....
had a good time chatting with Jaex on my way home last night after the Welcome CGO party at MOS. As usual, I don't enjoy smoke and drink although i must say these 2 are great buddies in binding people togther.
went home earlier as the air-con was too much for my weak nose to handle....weak....i HATE the word weak, for I am never someone who bows in to vulnerability. But knowing my own weakness and accepting it is just one of those lessons I need to learn over and over again.
CGO this week: it was a fun time of exchanging contacts and small talks with people from all over the world like Saudi Arabia - Mustudy and Omar were nice chaps, so was Peter from Slovakia.
Had a good nap after coming home earlier...and dreamt of work (again).
But the highlights of the day were actually feeling so super down and lost until I simply didn't know what to expect of life anymore....and then, something happens.
'Counselling' Siew Khim and helping her made me realise how little I have relied on Faith and (God) too. But I'm excited to share the Word with her next week...it's time, after so long.
And also, the most unexpected person to inspire me and 'wake' me up is Ila. One sentence he said made me realise I am just walking in circles.....
He said about persevering and pursuing my passion. And he said about giving up routine and stability in exchange for Happiness....wow!
This is exactly what I need to hear.
Sacrificing routine and stability and comfort.
I have already made my plan known to so many people, close or not close....and I cannot turn back now and can only push forward to fulfill the dream God has replanted in my heart, after so much disappointments.
Well, if I find something sucks, then I should do something to make it better, right?
And this makes the Mantra of my life: If you can't change it, break it and make a new and better one
Thank you God, for the drowsy medicine....i'll have a good sleep later.
June 10 Jack Sparrow's Compassin moments when Faith is low, hope seems far and LOVE is indifferent, Life is really tough.
Spending days over & over unsure of Who we are , what we can do is a dread. But this is what I am facing now: WHO AM I?
Read through again 'Margaret's TWENTY SOMETHING' gave me a clue that I need a compass to find out Who I am such that I can move on to finding out my meaning in life.....
Aren't these supposed to be simple like My purpose is to love God and serve him and his people? Well, in a most general way, it is. But I don't internalise this as before or rather, there must be more specifics as to what the bible mean by 'to love God and serve him'?
It has been 2 weeks since a strong urge to tender my resignation and just pack a few clothings to roam the world. Loans, debts are just too much for me to leave them now andd just say GO.
Or maybe I can?
Watching Shrek 3 reminded me that many times, we are our own obstacle and FEAR and enemy. If we can convince ourselves of the desires we want for ourselves, the tenacity to brave all challenges, then NOTHING can hold us down, I truly believe, cross my heart.
Arthur is right; I need to just face up to my own fear in reaching my dreams.
With a divine strength, I can and should believe I can.
June 09 DefusionPerhaps my mind and heart is defused....though I do not know what it is meant by 'Defusion'.
I only wanna be totally open today. Work has hit rock bottom and it is a series of 'pretending, & pretending' to be enjoying, to be alright with the way my heart is at work now. Facing an empty home without bro & sis-in-law is like Hell.
Imagine having nightmares & dreams EVERY Night. I can't sleep, I've forgotten the joy of sleeping...I need sleeping pills I think....
I dread sleeping now, but my body is tired....but i HATE the feeling of waking up with headache...i am afraid of the kind of wobbly feeling when I force myself to wake up daily for work....
This symptom has been with me since last June.......& i can feel my body rotting away...& my youth wasting away...
I feel Dejected.
Deprived of life's bliss and joy, discouraged of things that did not go well in life, after so many years of struggling, disappointed in many aspects of life though I always force myself to maintain a positive outlook and hang on....
Dear God, what is happening to my once pure & simple heart?
Why is it that my constant prayers to have a pure heart isn't working???
I really have a phobia attending joyous occasions now, like weddings, baby's birthday etc...reminds me of Joanne's pain.
I don't feel hope at all, but I need to have Hope, so that others may have Hope through me? How long more am I going to hang on?
I still feel rejected, abandoned and alone, unbelonged after so many years of trying to fit in somewhere.....now, I don't even feel belonged to the church of christ....
Lord God, can you help me find your peacefulness?
Towards work, I always expect myself to have enthusiasm towards it, but it has really become a mere chore, duty and I HATE this kind of mono feeling....I envy S & J being happy in what they do.
Why can't I be like them too? Why? What is wrong with me?
Eve needs my consolation & support, I need to be stronger....(though inwardly I am even more insecure than she is.....)
Mixed feelings....to leave or stay....
Am so lost....again.... May 11 The VoidDo the children of God still feel the Void? Perhaps I am not close to HIM now such that I become easily weary of life now, especially after many time of trying to realise my dreams but fail ALL the time.
From ECG, to AWWA, to Aranda, to SAC, & even NYC, and now 3dsense, I seek to be chasing after something that is impossible to achieve.
No matter where I go to, I feel the VOID and I hate to face it. I battled with IT, fought against IT, overcome IT, but somehow, it's still there lurking.....
A good friend was telling me I am just trying to escape from my unhappiness at work by doing more community work...but I argued that it is not so...
But really, deep down inside me, 'Why am I doing all these?'. Do I really possess the pure & kind heart to wanna see others happy?
Maybe yes, maybe NO.....I just wanna find satisfaction in doing these things, which I thought, which I feel God has given me some talents in doing....
But seriously, I'm not someone who is able to take care of others, and I'm just lousy in relating to people (because I dream all the time and people around me got tired and sick of my ever-growing dreams all the time)
I dream about setting up many businesses, clubs, groups, and dream about many ideas to change the world. I am proud to say some of these have come true (such as organising a big charity concert that brings many youth groups together-YFC 04, my bday charity concert which I sang earlier this year, and of course sending my resumes to MSF-a dream NGO that I wanted to work for since a child).
Been reading Paulo's books (Author of 'The Alchemist'), and really, to some extent, I am very impressed with him and his life.
Perhaps I can be like him one day, to write to inspire other weary souls. Perhaps my journey now records a kind of hope and inspiration for others in future....
perhaps....I dont like to just sit around and moan.
3 days after 'The Fall'....and my mood is getting to be at ease...
But, The Void is still around....
Seeing Ed's baby at Mt Alvernia earlier really cheers everyone. He's so cute!
This brings me back to my earlier dreams of setting up an orphanage and foster-care school for street kids in Thailand or Indonesia or China.
I believe I can achieve this dream, I sincerely believe so, if I don't give up now....(which I am so tempted to).
I wish, on certain days, to just live happily like Windsor, but I can't. I can't just sit around and do nothing after seeing so much and experiencing so much pain and disappointments in my life...surely HE has a reason for these situations and I wanna do my best to translate them into joyful memories and use these as driving forces to go change the wicked world we are living in now....
so, this could mean my daily grumbling and reminding colleagues and friends of 'global warming and wastage of plastic bags' will help reduce CFC emission and change the world (the air?)...
hahahaha...maybe
My heart is still VOID today.....nothing can fill it up....nothing.....except the peace of God.
and LOVE.
I admit finally I need L.O.V.E today, I need pure LOVE, LOVE for God, LOVE for others....
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